The curtain opens on a hallway just outside the convention floor. The Pinafore District president, with the synodical president next to him, loudly addresses a group of Delegates-Ablaze!. Nearby, a small contingency of face-scowling, throat-growling, Confessional delegates, their arms firmly crossed, also wait to go in. Cue music -
(DP) I am the captain of the Pinafore
And a right good arson, too.
I’m very, very shrewd and be it understood,
I will purge my “divisive” crew.
(Confessionals, among themselves) He may be very shrewd, but be it understood, we’ll resist ‘til we’re black and blue.
(DP) I’ll grow the church and set ablaze the brush and the prairie,
So polish up the screen to a nice and shiny sheen,
And really push contemp’rary.
(Conf 1, calling over): Push often? (DP answers) Yes, often!
(Conf 2, calling over) How often? (DP answers, pointing at them) VERY often!!
(Confessionals, loudly) We will not push contemp’rary…. So give three jeers and one jeer more for the pushy captain of the Pinafore! So give three jeers and one jeer more for …….the captain of the Pinafore.
(DP, now addressing Confessionals) I am the captain of the Pinafore
And I pack a flame-thrower, too.
You’d better get aboard, with praise band and keyboard,
Or the plank you will walk on cue.
(Confessionals) We will not get aboard, with praise band or keyboard, and we’re wearing swimming trunks, so pooh!
(DP, his anger errupting, pointing) You’ll keep the sheep excited, reassured; teach them to see
That their ministry is sound if on purpose-driven ground;
And don’t explicate the Book of C!
(Conf 3) What? Never?? (DP) No, never!
(Conf 4) Not ever? (DP spoken) Well, (sung) Hardly ever. (heaves a sigh)
(Confessionals, as they exit hallway to the convention floor) We will explicate that Book of C…. So give three jeers and one jeer more for the expletive captain of the Pinafore! So give three jeers and one jeer more for …….the captain of the Pinafore.