The curtain opens on a large church basement where the men, women, and children of a Confessional flock are enjoying the remains of a pot-luck dinner, their pastor having just left for the Pinafore District convention. Cue music -
(man 1) Oh, the synod wants full pews, but our numbers sure are shrinking.
(woman 1) Could it be their words confuse and encourage wrong-way thinking…
…By sheep who squeal for needs they feel, and pastors who promise them bliss.
(man 1) Those men-of-the-cloth make them spiritually sloth by failing their full catechesis.
(woman 2) Oh, the synod wants full pews, but our numbers sure are shrinking.
(man 2) Could it be that folks refuse to give off’rings without thinking…
…To our DP’s whose staff nominees demand congregations’ dollars?
(woman 2) They should realize we object to their size, so we won’t give two hoots or a holler.
(children) Oh, the synod wants full pews, but our numbers sure are shrinking.
Could it be their words confuse doctrine with the culture’s thinking?
(boys) They stand there and croon some ol' 60’s tune and tell each other, “Kids like it!”
(girls) The more modern stuff’s even more full of fluff, so give us Sei du mir gegrüsset!
(All) They wonder why we’re shrinking?!
Yet insist on glory-thinking!
The Cross renews, and God will choose who fills the pews!!