Chapter 2 - There is Nothing Like a Dame

Lern & Digest left me shaken and my office tainted with the smell of sulfur. The object of my new investigation was none other than my own brother, Justin. He’d received a call from one Elsie-Em S. Kirche. It was only about a year ago and, now, he’d gone into hiding.

I drove out to the Kirche place. I couldn’t believe my eyes. There he was sitting on the front step, covered in bandages. He’d been handed his hat alright, and his bags, too. Nearby were two mailboxes, one bearing the name “Kirche,” the other “Justin Stauld Pastor,” too hastily removed, so still visible. “Start talkin’, Brother.” I said. He did, in his peculiar little present-tense manner.

“The first person I meet in this community is a dame, a Sharon Lovejoy. Oh, she is well-intentioned enough. No matter who she sees as we talk, there is Lovejoy, waving hands, smiling, and shouting encouragement to everyone. Personally, I find it a distraction, and it really grates on my nerves. Then she really gets excited, see, and waves over a particular friend of hers. This other dame introduces herself. ‘Uma Stobay. Everything I say about how this community is run…. You can count on it! I know how it is with you newcomers.’” My mouth fell open.

Justin continued, “My reaction, too, Brother, but before I can even begin to absorb that, Uma quickly points out two men talking quietly together. ‘There are two you’re not going to want to get mixed up with. Mr. Reed Mark Lern & Ward Lee Digest. Now, remember… Uma Stobay.’ Her grin is hungry, and she shakes my hand with an iron grip and leaves.” He paused, shuddering with the memory.

Summer Sequel

Man, this summer heat is ridiculous! It’s too hot to do anything but sit in front of the fan with a tall glass of iced tea and a book. Fortunately, I heard that the book I’d read has a sequel. I went back to the library, so now it’s just me, my fan, my tea, and book two!

Chapter 1

It was a bright and sunny morning. That in itself was odd. Two men came through my office door. Oddity number two. They brought a peculiar smell into the room with them, but there the oddities ended. I recognized that smell.

They introduced themselves. “I’m Reed Mark Lern”, said the first.

“& Ward Lee Digest, here,” said the second, as they shook my hand.

“You gents lawyers?” I asked.

“No,” said Lern, “but you could say we’re on a journey of Law.”

“And good news, too,” added Digest.

“Well, what can I do for you?” As their tale unfolded, it was as if Onaleah Laymen had walked back through my door all over again.

“Two days ago….Dr. Knott…..his ES-V2004 on overload….” Then they said something that shocked me to the core. I had to take the case.

I’m Luther N. Pastor, Private Eye.

Scene VI

The curtain opens once again on the church basement. No pot-luck in progress this time, the returning Confessional pastor has called a congregational meeting to report the proceedings of the Pinafore convention. He and the elders are sitting at a table, facing the congregation. Cue music -

(Man 1) I hear that we might split up.

(Woman 1) Fear that we should break up.

(Man 2) And I can surely see why.

(Woman 2) When by-laws are oft brought up to act as cover up…

(Congregation) How can it not blow up high!?

(Elders) We’ve got praise bands, Ablaze! fanned a-plenty,
And kids’ sermons by girl DCE’s….
Nobody can spare time for doctrine,
They’re too busy with their ministries!

(Pastor) But, though synod’s all fouled up,
‘07’s coming up.
Let’s stick around, wait, and see.
If overtures they shut up
As votes are counted up,

(All) Then, we will pack up and flee!

Final curtain.

Scene V

The curtain opens on a hallway just outside the convention floor. The Pinafore District president, with the synodical president next to him, loudly addresses a group of Delegates-Ablaze!. Nearby, a small contingency of face-scowling, throat-growling, Confessional delegates, their arms firmly crossed, also wait to go in. Cue music -

(DP) I am the captain of the Pinafore
And a right good arson, too.
I’m very, very shrewd and be it understood,
I will purge my “divisive” crew.

(Confessionals, among themselves) He may be very shrewd, but be it understood, we’ll resist ‘til we’re black and blue.

(DP) I’ll grow the church and set ablaze the brush and the prairie,
So polish up the screen to a nice and shiny sheen,
And really push contemp’rary.

(Conf 1, calling over): Push often? (DP answers) Yes, often!

(Conf 2, calling over) How often? (DP answers, pointing at them) VERY often!!

(Confessionals, loudly) We will not push contemp’rary…. So give three jeers and one jeer more for the pushy captain of the Pinafore! So give three jeers and one jeer more for …….the captain of the Pinafore.

(DP, now addressing Confessionals) I am the captain of the Pinafore
And I pack a flame-thrower, too.
You’d better get aboard, with praise band and keyboard,
Or the plank you will walk on cue.

(Confessionals) We will not get aboard, with praise band or keyboard, and we’re wearing swimming trunks, so pooh!

(DP, his anger errupting, pointing) You’ll keep the sheep excited, reassured; teach them to see
That their ministry is sound if on purpose-driven ground;
And don’t explicate the Book of C!

(Conf 3) What? Never?? (DP) No, never!
(Conf 4) Not ever? (DP spoken) Well, (sung) Hardly ever. (heaves a sigh)

(Confessionals, as they exit hallway to the convention floor) We will explicate that Book of C…. So give three jeers and one jeer more for the expletive captain of the Pinafore! So give three jeers and one jeer more for …….the captain of the Pinafore.

Curtain.

Scene IV

The curtain opens one more time on the Village Inn meeting room, early the next morning (Village Inn LOVES convention season!). A deacon is addressing a hand-picked group of lay delegates at a prayer breakfast. Cue music -

(Deacon) When I was a lad I served a term
As a church trustee after I’d been confirmed.
I cleaned the windows, and I swept the floor,
And I polished up the handle of the big front door.

(Men) He polished up the handle of the big front door.

(Deacon) I polished up that handle so carefully, that now I am a Deacon in ol’ Missouri.

(Men) He polished up that handle so carefully, that now he is a Deacon in ol’ Missouri!

(Deacon) As church trustee I made such a mark
They elected me the striker of the spark.
I struck the sparks with a smile so bright,
And I fanned the flames with gusto, made events ignite!

(Men) He fanned the flames with gusto, made events ignite!

(Deacon) I fanned the flames with gusto with a hand so free, that now I am a Deacon in ol’ Missouri.

(Men) He fanned the flames with gusto with a hand so free, that now he is a Deacon in ol’ Missouri!

(Deacon) In striking sparks I made such a name,
That my congregation’s elder I became.
I voted for the screen and the songs ‘bout me,
And I made sure that the pastor stayed contemp’rary.

(Men) He made sure that the pastor stayed contemp’rary.

(Deacon) And that pastor stayed so contemp’rary, that now I am a Deacon in ‘ol Missouri.

(Men) And that pastor stayed so contemp’rary, that now he is a Deacon in ‘ol Missouri!

(Deacon) “Why stop at elder,” I was advised;
“To teach and preach you can be authorized;
And Sacraments you can at ease dispense,
And it doesn’t really matter if it gives offense.”

(Men) It really doesn’t matter if it gives offense?

Deacon) ‘Twas passed in ’89, conventionally, so now I am a Deacon in ‘ol Missouri.

(Men) ‘Twas passed in ’89, conventionally, so now he is a Deacon in ‘ol Missouri!

(Deacon) Now, laymen all, whoever you may be,
Why take four years to learn theology?
Just take ten classes and you’ll know enough;
You can take over the pastor’s Sunday morning stuff.

(Men) We’ll take over the pastor’s Sunday morning stuff?

(Deacon) You’ll consecrate, preach and teach with glee; yes, you can be a deacon in ol’ Missouri!

(Men) We’ll consecrate, preach and teach with glee; and we will all be deacons in ol’ Missouri!

Curtain

Scene III

The curtain opens on that same Village Inn meeting room, later that evening. Confessional pastors are meeting for Scripture and Doctrinal study, as well as mutual support and encouragement before tomorrow’s convention begins. Cue music -

(Pastor 1) A quia Luth’ran has a soaring soul, as free as a mountain bird;

(Pastor 2) His energetic yell should be ready to repel a false doctrinal word.

(Pastors 1 & 2) His nose should pant and his lip should curl, His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl, His bosom should heave and his heart should glow, And his voice be ever ready ‘gainst Confession’s foe!

(All pastors Chorus) His nose should pant and his lip should curl, His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl, His bosom should heave and his heart should glow, And his voice be ever ready ‘gainst Confession’s foe!

(Pastor 4) His eyes should flash with an inborn ire, his brow with scorn be wrung;

(Pastor 5) He never should give ground to Reformed, alluring sound or tang of Pentecostal tongue.

(Pastors 4 & 5) His foot should stamp, and his throat should growl, His hair should twirl, and his face should scowl; His eyes should flash, and his breast protrude, And this should be his customary attitude.

(All pastors Chorus) His foot should stamp, and his throat should growl, His hair should twirl, and his face should scowl; His eyes should flash, and his breast protrude, And this should be his customary attitude!

Curtain.

Scene II

The Confessional pastor enters stage left, "driving" his way across the stage in front of the closed curtain. When he is about half way across, the curtain opens on a meeting room of the Village Inn located across the street from the district’s headquarters. It is filled with ladies clad in purple t-shirts, listening excitedly to one purple-clad woman making an announcement.

(p-c woman) And now without further ado, I give you our synodical president, here to address us before tomorrow's LCMS Pinafore District Convention opening day festivities!

Women applaud as SP takes the stand. Cue music -

(SP) I am the monarch of the See;
I supervise ecclesiastically,
And push the limits that the doctrine plants.

(p-c woman, jumping to her feet) And so will his sisters and his cousins and his aunts,

(All p-c ladies, jumping to their feet) His sisters and his cousins, who he recons by the dozens, his sisters and his cousins, who he recons by the dozens, and his aunts. (All ladies sit back down, as nodding, smiling DP motions them to do so)

(SP) Creation’s order’s obsolete
But transition must be discrete;
I’ll quietly work so women’s roles advance.

(p-c woman and all ladies repeat chorus, same actions)

(SP) I will allow all my DP’s
(though there may be some casualties)
To just slip in some liturgical dance.

(p-c woman and all ladies repeat chorus, same actions.)

(SP) And if the four winds blow,
I’ll casually go below
And seek the refuge that a by-law grants.

(p-c woman, jumping to her feet) And so will his sisters and his cousins and his aunts,

(all p-c ladies, jumping to their feet) His sisters and his cousins, who he recons by the dozens,

(all p-c ladies and DP) His sisters and his cousins, who he recons by the dozens, and his aunts! (DP, smiling broadly, comes from behind stand and embraces as many p-c ladies as he can reach)

Curtain.

The LCMS Pinafore - Scene I

The curtain opens on a large church basement where the men, women, and children of a Confessional flock are enjoying the remains of a pot-luck dinner, their pastor having just left for the Pinafore District convention. Cue music -

(man 1) Oh, the synod wants full pews, but our numbers sure are shrinking.

(woman 1) Could it be their words confuse and encourage wrong-way thinking…
…By sheep who squeal for needs they feel, and pastors who promise them bliss.

(man 1) Those men-of-the-cloth make them spiritually sloth by failing their full catechesis.


(woman 2) Oh, the synod wants full pews, but our numbers sure are shrinking.

(man 2) Could it be that folks refuse to give off’rings without thinking…
…To our DP’s whose staff nominees demand congregations’ dollars?

(woman 2) They should realize we object to their size, so we won’t give two hoots or a holler.


(children) Oh, the synod wants full pews, but our numbers sure are shrinking.
Could it be their words confuse doctrine with the culture’s thinking?

(boys) They stand there and croon some ol' 60’s tune and tell each other, “Kids like it!”

(girls) The more modern stuff’s even more full of fluff, so give us Sei du mir gegrüsset!


(All) They wonder why we’re shrinking?!
Yet insist on glory-thinking!
The Cross renews, and God will choose who fills the pews!!

Curtain.

Oh, my!!!

I am truly honored; thank you so much for the Aardie!

To celebrate, I’m taking you all to the opera tonight, so brush up your Gilbert and Sullivan tunes and get ready to sing along as we sail away on a summer’s day, peeking in on the various goings-on in the district of …

The LCMS Pinafore

Chapter 7 - The End?

As promised, I met with Onaleah after church on Sunday. She wasn’t alone. She’d brought the entire Laymen clan to hear what I had to say. I swallowed hard and spilled the whole sordid story.

Many of the Justmore MoSyn-Politics branch sat there clueless or in denial. One of the All Blazin’ Lutherans Approve Zippy Evangelism branch, patients of Doctor Knott, pointedly suggested I should get my eyes examined so I could more appreciate the beauty of Miss Iona Ree Mindset. This wasn’t good. This branch was the one currently in power. I knew if they forced me into Doctor Knott’s examination chair and offered me a shot-gun wedding, I’d have to make a run for it. At least I knew the Confessional Mosyn branch, for whom what I’d said only confirmed their fears, would follow me.

What could I do? Well, keep Great-Great-Great Grandpa B.O.Concord out of the nursing home, for one. I had to keep preaching, keep teaching, keep administering the Sacraments, and keep my bags packed and my running shoes on.

After all, I’m Luther N. Pastor, Private Eye.

Chapter 6 – Sad, but True

Maybe it was the look on my face, or maybe he just realized he’d said too much. Either way, he quickly changed the subject. “Say, you got kids in the YFL? I just got in a shipment of Ablaze! tongue studs. They’re a great witnessing tool, and the kids’ll feel just like one of the Apostles on Pentecost!

I’d heard all I could stomach and made for the door. “If you’re worried about your checkbook, we also accept vouchers from your congregation, credit cards….” I didn’t hear the rest; I was already far down the street.

Poor Miss Oura Synod…. Bamboozled again. And Knott was wrong. Great-Great-Great Grandpa wasn’t dead and he hadn’t lost a thing! Others were hiding his stuff so he’d appear to be nothing but a really mean old man ready for the Alzheimer’s wing. What could I do? What could I do?

Chapter 5 – “Doctor” My Eye!

Since I had to meet Onaleah Laymen on Sunday, I decided I needed to pay a little visit to Doctor Knott and see how things had progressed. He was now a prominent, big-city optimitrist with a thriving practice. I entered the office. He was on the phone. His back was toward me.

Listen, Oura, get over yourself! Ol’ Grandpa’s losing it. He’s practically dead, and you’re not his little girl anymore!”

I caught his eye.

“Gotta go. Customer.” He hung up the phone. He adjusted his smile. He turned toward me.

“Welcome! Here to test your Ablaze! vision? Have a seat!” cried the doctor.

“Um, no, I just wanted to ask you how you thought your son, Fred, was getting along.” Being a loquacious man, he took the bait.

“You mean Ignitus Morris? Hey, did I name that kid right, or what?! Why I even gave him one of my ab-laser “Ecclesiastical Super-Vision 2004” treatments for free! Of course, the Corporation is working on a more powerful version, the ES-V 2007. Heh! I’ll make sure of ol’ Will-B getting one of those for sure!” Lowering his voice, he added, “Heh, heh, and I’m trying to convince ol’ Miss Oura of adding a girl to follow in her brother Will’s footste…”