I should have known better

Today, I decided to visit my city mouse cousin. This usually results in some sort of cultural trauma, and today was no exception. I spotted a shingle hanging above a door. “OPTIMETRIST,” it read. I hesitated over a sign in the window. “Get a better outlook on Ablaze! in thirty minutes, or your exam is free! Walk-ins Welcome.” I figured I might as well, because this Ablaze! vision has just been giving me fits.

“Welcome! Here to test your Ablaze! vision? Have a seat!” cried the doctor.

“My, Doctor, what pointy ears you have!”

“The better to hear you with, my dear,” he purred. “Now, first we’ll use this machine with the little flippy-lenses. Just look through here and tell me which is clearer. Is it better on one,

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“or two?”

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“Well,” replied I, “there’s a kind of smoky haze covering part of number one, but number two is clear as a bell.”

A little scowl creased his brow and something swished back and forth beneath his white coat. But, he cheerfully continued, “Let’s try this next set. Is it better on three, or…”

“Oh, wow! How’d you get that 3-D effect of a hand reaching out to grab my checkbook” I cried.

“That’s not important right now; just tell me which one is clearer.”

“Okay, flip ‘em again.”

“Here’s three, and here’s four.”

“That’s just amazing! Only this time, a hand is giving me a copy of “What About – Christian Stewardship.”

“ And which one is clearer?”

“Oh, sorry, number four is definitely clearer.”

Now a frown joined his scowl, but he persevered. “Let’s try this third set. Is it better on five…” I saw a picture of Jesus hanging on the cross. “Or, six?”

“Hey, that’s a picture of me! Wait!! Now I’m holding a mirror in front of my face, and I’ve got one of those infinity-reflection-things going on. Me, me, me, me, me... cool! This is the most amazing flippy-lens technology I’ve ever seen! Only… now it’s all out of focus, and I seem to be in constant motion. I think I’m getting “see” sick. No, number five is definitely better – steady and clear.”

“I see,” he said rather flatly. “We’re done with that portion of our test. We will now test your resistance to pressure.”

“You mean that poofy test for glaucoma?”

“No, that’s what an optOmetrist does. I suggest you see one of those, too. I’m an optImetrist, ever hopeful that Ablaze! will catch on. Now, get ready. Just look into this machine, focus on the logo, and you’ll feel a small “puff” of air. Ready?”

WOOSH!!!!

“Hey, that was no small puff; it was a blast of hot air!”

“Yes, I’m sorry. We’ve found that we get better results if we turn up the pressure really high. You seem to be pretty resistant; shall we try again?”

“Um, no thank you,” I said as I sprang out of the chair.

“But, you’ll feel so much better!”

“I’ll pass,” I said as I headed for the door.

“But, your Ablaze! vision needs correction!”

“No,” I said as I turned the knob, keeping a wary eye on him.

“We’re running a special,” he called. (Was it my imagination, or had his fingernails suddenly grown longer?) “2 for 1 on the Ablaze! Counter because we’re optimistic that your enCOUNTER might spark……”

“NO!!” I shouted and ran for my life.

I could hear his voice receding as I fled. “If it’s your checkbook you’re worried about, we gladly accept gold, silver, cash, money orders, electronic transfers, Visa, Mastercard, Diners’ Club, Discover, American Express, Western Union, Wal-Mart gift cards….

I headed for Blog’s Pharmacy. My eye was on fire, and I felt a bad case of heart burn coming on. I grabbed a bottle of Frank’s Eyewash and a box of Aardvark’s Antacid. I stopped by Father Hollywood’s video shop, picked up a copy of Luther’s movie reviews, and headed home. Maybe if I hurried, I could still catch the latest episode of Our Little House on the Prairie.

Oh, and I never did get to see my cousin.