Saturday, June 10, 2006

Multi-Site Miseries

Hey pastors, don’t feel bad if you can’t keep up with the Joneses. You say you don‘t have one of those new-fangled Multi-Site Ministries like they do in Missouri? Why, #1 of their Key Characteristics is “worship services in different locations.” So, as you’re going about your parish, making calls, bringing Life and Forgiveness to shut-ins, remember, you’re not doing “pastoral care,” you’ve got yourself a Multi-Site Ministry! Oops! Wait… hold the phone! Key Characteristic #5 says it “exists to serve unchurched people.” Well, shucks, that disqualifies your shut-in calls because they’re already churched.

Okay, so let’s say you've managed to set up an off-site, storefront, preaching station. Um, extension site. Er, satellite ministry. You should attract many new people, because “new ministries” are what really brings ‘em in, at least according to Key Characteristic #3. Now, I know this may make you a bit uncomfortable at first, but you will not be using ushers any more. In stead, you need to pick the biggest, strongest, meanest-looking hombre from your primary congregation to serve as a bouncer at the preaching station, extension, satellite thing. As new people come in the door, he’ll need to screen them to see if they meet Key Characteristic #5's criteria of being unchurched.

“Welcome to St. Ignitus’ Multi-Site Ministry Mission Model. Churched, or unchurched?

“Well, um, okay I must confess, we go to church on Christmas and Easter, but I was attracted to your new ministry, and I’m so happy…

“Nope, sorry. You’re churched. Please step aside.”


“Look, don’t make me get rough, man. You’re churched! You need to run on down to St. Ignitus’ Main-Site Ministry Mission Mega-Mother Church. Next!”

You’ll then need to determine how many times the unchurched folks who attend your storefront ministry-site may come before they are considered churched and need to be sent back to the mother-ship, er, church. To help them make this transition smoothly, you’ll need to have your
SPIFE assimilation drones, er, team in place and ready to…

Wait just one cotton-pickin’ minute! Did I make a wrong turn and end up in the Twilight Zone again!? It’s getting harder and harder to tell the difference. I thought I heard some do-do-DO-do’s, but I just figured it was a praise band warming up. Look! There’s a sign up ahead….

AAAUUUGGGHHH! It’s just as I feared!!!

Aglaze! - Sugar and SPIFE and everything nice,
that’s what happy little Lutherans are made of.

No comments: