(Cue Twilight Zone music)
You are about to enter a parallel universe. Remember, all references to real LCMS entities are merely a coincidence. Well....... mostly.
WANTED: St. Ignitus, LCMS, has an immediate opening for Senior Pastor, Deacon, or DCWhatever. Applicants should hold a Master’s Degree (or have taken a few classes, either is fine really) in Congregational Pediatrics with an emphasis in itching ears and bellyaches. Duties would include planning and leading the 8:30 Sunday morning Blended Service and the 10:30 a.m. Contemporary Service, as well as the 6:30 Sunday evening Conga Line Service, the 4:45 Tuesday afternoon Jazzercize Service, the Friday night Sleep-Over-Lock-In Heavy Metal Youth Service, and the third Thursday (unless it’s raining) Outdoor Hoedown Hootenanny Service (A member of the Worship Team is responsible for calling the liturgical square dance). Familiarity with Discordia Publishing House’s “Bach! Humbug!!” Sunday school series would allow you to quickly integrate with our youth.
St. Ignitus has an active Lutherans Wandering Mindlessly League, whose mites support the worldwide Aglaze! program. Our ministries include Nutritional You – Eyeballs Aglaze!, feeding the congregation a steady diet of milk until they can’t see straight; Play Nice on the Playground – Craniums Aglaze!, assisting the congregation in burying their heads in the sand so they don’t have to think straight; and Purpose Driven Excavation – Eardrums Aglaze!, removing just enough of the afore-mentioned sand from the congregation’s ears so they can hear the praise band.
Salary and benefits are commensurate with our own experience and will be reviewed at our quarterly congregational bonfires. Should two consecutive reviews fall short of expectations, you will be given the chance to enroll in Loving Arms of District Doctrinal Ecclesiastical Remediation, but St. Ignitus does retain the right to fire you at any time for any reason. Send resume’ and references to:
Lutheran Congregations Mangling Scripture
666 Dante Road
Liberal, MO 12345
Aglaze! - sugarcoating the truth, one doctrine at a time