Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Fast Food Pastors

“Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don’t upset us….” Having just studied a Pastoral Skills Survey as part of a congregation’s call process, who would have ever thought that it would be as simple as ordering up a burger from your favorite restaurant! “I’ll have a pastor, not too well done, with a little theology and extra edifying worship & evangelism, plus a side order of social ministry. Oh, and biggie-size that, please.” Since so many congregations, encouraged by their districts, want to treat their pastors like hirelings (firelings?), let’s just modify the call process to include the option of simply placing a want ad in the Witness or Reporter. Confessional pastors, while waiting for an actual call, would be less likely to fall prey to Lutheran-in-name-only congregations engaged in false advertising. Church growth pastors could avoid the hassle of having to drag stodgy ol’ congregations into the 21st Century. It’s good for them… it’s good for us… what’s not to love? “Have it your way!!”

(Cue Twilight Zone music)
You are about to enter a parallel universe. Remember, all references to real LCMS entities are merely a coincidence. Well....... mostly.


WANTED: St. Ignitus, LCMS, has an immediate opening for Senior Pastor, Deacon, or DCWhatever. Applicants should hold a Master’s Degree (or have taken a few classes, either is fine really) in Congregational Pediatrics with an emphasis in itching ears and bellyaches. Duties would include planning and leading the 8:30 Sunday morning Blended Service and the 10:30 a.m. Contemporary Service, as well as the 6:30 Sunday evening Conga Line Service, the 4:45 Tuesday afternoon Jazzercize Service, the Friday night Sleep-Over-Lock-In Heavy Metal Youth Service, and the third Thursday (unless it’s raining) Outdoor Hoedown Hootenanny Service (A member of the Worship Team is responsible for calling the liturgical square dance). Familiarity with Discordia Publishing House’s “Bach! Humbug!!” Sunday school series would allow you to quickly integrate with our youth.

St. Ignitus has an active Lutherans Wandering Mindlessly League, whose mites support the worldwide Aglaze! program. Our ministries include Nutritional You – Eyeballs Aglaze!, feeding the congregation a steady diet of milk until they can’t see straight; Play Nice on the Playground – Craniums Aglaze!, assisting the congregation in burying their heads in the sand so they don’t have to think straight; and Purpose Driven Excavation – Eardrums Aglaze!, removing just enough of the afore-mentioned sand from the congregation’s ears so they can hear the praise band.

Salary and benefits are commensurate with our own experience and will be reviewed at our quarterly congregational bonfires. Should two consecutive reviews fall short of expectations, you will be given the chance to enroll in Loving Arms of District Doctrinal Ecclesiastical Remediation, but St. Ignitus does retain the right to fire you at any time for any reason. Send resume’ and references to:
St. Ignitus
Lutheran Congregations Mangling Scripture
666 Dante Road
Liberal, MO 12345

Aglaze! - sugarcoating the truth, one doctrine at a time

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