Thursday, May 25, 2006

Fast Food Pastors, part 2

The way things stand now, the seminaries seem to be turning out a pretty decent bunch of confessional men, but many congregations and their district presidents aren’t all that fired up about having them in their districts. This doesn't always make for a smooth transition for either pastors or congregations. Remember that new pastor we special-ordered from our favorite restaurant last month? Well, rumor has it….

He was fresh out of the kitchen, and somebody goofed. He wasn’t a thing like we’d ordered! “I’ll have a pastor, not too well done,” we said. Man, this guy was really rare, dripping with Blood, and wanting to share it with the whole congregation every Sunday! Can you say, “Ewww?!?” I mean, moderation in all things, right? And where was our “little theology?” Who ever thought those Sem grads studied ALL the books of the Bible. I was really looking forward to “extra edifying worship and evangelism.” I love my pastors loaded up with that. Guess we should have been more specific about how we wanted edifying and who we wanted evangelized. He tried whipping out something called a Book of Concord on us, but “One man’s Augsburg is another man’s adiaphora,” I always say. Well, the Worship Team and LWML figure if we throw him on the grill for about a year, he ought to be pretty palatable. If not, we may have to call in someone from the restaurant and they can really turn up the heat.

Maybe the problem is that we just have too many districts. You know the old saying, “Too many chefs spoil the broth.” So, let’s narrow it down to three, non-geographical districts. And, since the Synod is moving toward a business model anyway, members would be free to make an annual decision about which district they want to belong to, kind of like corporations let employees choose their health insurance plans. Once again, the Witness or Reporter would be the perfect vehicle to get the word out so congregations could understand all their options.
(Cue Twilight Zone music)
You are about to enter a parallel universe (again). Remember, all references to real LCMS entities are merely a coincidence. Well...... mostly.


As you are probably aware, it’s time for members (ordained, commissioned, congregations, etc.) to choose annual District Assurance Affiliation (DAA). Remember, once you make your choice, you cannot change until the following enrollment period. Please consider your choices carefully and submit them by 12/01/06 (early enrollment 11/01/06). Premiums will be billed accordingly.

Noflack DistrictHey, SILLY, can’t you tell the difference between a GOOSE and a duck?

This is the least expensive DAA and has the fewest hassles. Once your premium is remitted, you are pretty much free to do or say whatever you want. Noflack congregations will receive a paperback edition of the synodical constitution, bylaws, and Book of Concord, as well as a handy Swiffer duster to keep ‘em lookin’ good. The Noflack early enrollment bonus is a large piece of flint engraved with the Aglaze! logo and guaranteed to spark first time, every time. You’ll love the experience! Noflack is available to ELCA congregations, at a slightly higher premium, but only if they are working alongside an LCMS RSO.

Big Brotherhood DistrictWar is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, and Ignorance is Strength – Ministry of Truth

Boasting moderate premiums and the largest numbers, the BBDAA allows a great amount of freedom, but a few restrictions still apply. You will need to choose two of the four available BB Ministries (listed here in order of popularity): The Ministry of Love, Ministry of Plenty, Ministry of Peace, or Ministry of Truth. You are also required to leave sanctuary big screens on at all times. You will receive a leather-bound edition of the latest synodical constitution and bylaws, gold-embossed with the Aglaze! logo and your congregation’s name. The handy pull-out section, containing a flow-chart of ecclesiastical supervision and a list of district-approved legal assistants, will come in handy time and time again. Early rock-enrollers will receive the five CD set, Classic Boomer Worship, including hits like “I Feel Good” and “Johnnie Angel.”

His Cross/His Shield DistrictWe Preach Christ and Him Crucified

While HC/HS is the most expensive DAA, all premiums have been paid in full by a generous Benefactor. HC/HS may not be for everyone as, while it allows the greatest freedom to its members, it demands the greatest responsibility and knowledge of God’s Word and the Lutheran Confessions. Your congregation is sure to enjoy its early enrollment gift of a one year’s magazine subscription to Quia Scriptures/Quia Confessions. Unlike Noflack and Big Brotherhood, HC/HS has year-round open enrollment.

Aglaze! - it's not just doctrinal frosting,
it's a sweet vision of success

J.K. Howling now available at
Discordia Publishing House !
Jerry Plotter & the Source o’ His Groan
Jerry Plotter & the Secret Voting Chamber
Jerry Plotter & the Prisoners of Apraiseband
Jerry Plotter & the Goblet of Ire
Jerry Plotter & the Odor of Polemics
Jerry Plotter & the Half-Truth Fineprints

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