Got a letter this weekend “To the Parents of” from Student Services. The following quotes are from the letter; I just put them in their proper context.
Boom! (flit – flit) Boom – Rat-a-tat-a-tat (flit) – Boom! (flit – flit)
The praise drummers and liturgical dancers make their way through a small village, drawing a crowd after them. Pastor John Pretzel solemnly climbs the steps to the Town Square stage as a hush falls over the onlookers.
“Two students showed up to get their Care Packages. One beamed when she received her package. The other…..”
The crowd gasps as stagehands unfurl a horrific banner – a young woman tormented by the flames of “hell week” at Concordia, the little GPA demons stabbing her in the head with their pitchforks!
“The other, whose family had not reserved a package, immediately used her cell phone and called Mom with a plaintive ‘You didn’t send me a Care Package?’” A sad little pout crossed Pr. Pretzel’s features. “Because so many students receive Care Packages during exam time, it can hurt if a student is left out.”
But good ol’ Pretzel. He won’t let us down! “This year, we have a solution to make sure every student feels supported at this critical time*.”
And such a deal! For a mere twenty to fifty-five bucks you can buy indulgences – flavored coffee, hot chocolate, cookies, cereal, nuts, candies – “…tangible proof that the people students count on are thinking of them at exam time.”
And I’ll never forget his parting words. When your credit card through the coffer slides, another student through her finals glides.
My mom and dad must have done a good job of safeguarding me from peer pressure, because I'm not buying it. Neither the guilt, nor the Care Package. Sorry Concordia. Thanks to me, you will once again not be able "to hit the elisuve 100% parent participation."
*Not to be confused with a Critical Event! ™.
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