Saturday, September 30, 2006

Proposed Resolution

I know this has been tried in the past, but this one just might unite the synod!

An Overture to address that “Lutheran Church – Missouri Synod” no longer describes this church body, which should undergo appropriate name, constitution, and logo revision:

WHEREAS some of the innovative, contemporary, “moderate” (hereafter referred to as ICM) members of the LC-MS claim that Allah is also the true God, which causes the collective hair of all the traditional, historical, “confessional” (hereafter reffered to as THC) members of the LC-MS, and even some the ICM members, to stand on end, and

WHEREAS some of the THC called and ordained ministers go by “Father” rather than “Pastor,” which causes the collective hair of the all the ICM members, and even some of the THC members, to stand on end, and

WHEREAS the THC members cannot seem to agree on
A. when and/or how often to Commune;
B. at what age to begin to Commune;
C. from what kind of cup to Commune;
D. in what manner of vestments the Pastor/Father should dress while administering the Communion;
E. whether “administering” Communion means that only the Pastor/Father should distribute the elements or that he oversees the distribution by assisting elders; and
F. whether female altar guilds or male elders have the authority to set-/clean-up Communion, while
1. the ICM members really couldn’t care less about any of the above and
2. wonder whether they should just simply join a commune, and

WHEREAS the ICM members cannot seem to agree on
A. where in the Sanctuary to place the praise team;
B. whether praise music played by a live, amateur, praise band is superior to that played from a CD by a professional, Top-Ten, praise band;
C. how high you can lift your hands during a song that says to lift them before you seem ostentatious;
D. if the size of the praise screen should overpower the presence of the praise team; and
E. if moving to a jazz/tap liturgical dance number, in favor of a traditional ballet liturgical dance number, will split the synod even further, while
1. the THC members ponder whether it is more liturgically correct to sit with your fingers in your ears, singing “la-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you” or
2. simply run to the nearest vomitorium, and

WHEREAS plaguing our church body are many more areas of disagreement, ranging from
A. the size, church-year-timing, and degree of viability vs. fakeness of altar flowers, to
B. whether there is a need to distinguish between a female holding an undergraduate or master’s degree in theology and a female holding a 10-class certification as “Deaconess” and “Deaconette,” respectively, as well as whether either Deaconesses or Deaconettes should hold any title whatsoever, and

WHEREAS “synod” means “walking together,” and this church body’s insistence on calling ourselves such opens the door to those who would seek legal retribution for spiritual and/or physical injury resulting from
A. misleading the public with false advertising,
B. impersonating an Officer of the Ministry, or
C. illegal sparking, etc., be it therefore

RESOLVED that the Lutheran Church – Missouri Synod change its name to the Lutheran Church of Total Confusion, and be it further

RESOLVED that the LCTC distribute to all members a new, one-page Constitution/Handbook, simply stating, "Under Constant Construction and Revision. Please carry on with whatever it is you are doing, being mindful that everything is beautiful in its own way, while we attempt to figure out what it is we are doing and then hold you accountable to it." and be it finally

RESOLVED that the LCTC’s new logo honor its synodical roots by depicting the tri-shaded burgundy cross now standing in a hand basket being lowered into a lake-ablaze!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Spaghetti Western Missions

“The great command says: 1. Go out – ablaze!!! and 2. baptize and teach”

Well, I’ll tell ya, pilgrim. For some reason, this guy’s parting shot at Consensus just put me in mind of an old spaghetti Western. In fact, it just plumb inspired me! So grab some popcorn, settle back, and…. Roll film!!

The Goof, His Fad, and It’s Ugly

(opening music) See them tumbling down,
Playing the new, “ modern” sound.
Liturgy-free, they’ll be found
Drifting along with the doctrinal tumbleweeds…….

He was a stranger in a strange land, saddle sore and dusty-throated. Dressed in black, except for his collar, his spurs glittered at his heels as he stepped into the hard-packed street in the center of the sun-baked town. (ka-chink, ka-chink, ka-chink, ka-chink)

“Reach for the sky,” he great-commanded the unwashed heathen facing him from about fifty feet away. Women screamed, dogs barked, and shopkeepers ducked behind their counters. The heathen did as he was told, and the stranger approached. (ka-chink, ka-chink, ka-chink, ka-chink)

“Now listen up, and listen up good. I’m gonna teach you a lesson you won’t forget.” The heathen started to lower his hands. “Keep your hands up where I can see ‘em,” the stranger growled. “Good. Now, sway ‘em to the left. Now to the right. Left. Right. Now, you just keep that up and repeat after me.”

Warbling with a voice more suited to the night shift on a cattle drive, the stranger began. “Shine, Jesus, Shine…,” and the heathen echoed him and swayed obediently. After five choruses, the stranger’s hand was suddenly on the butt of his pistol. “That’s enough! Now, say your prayerssssss.”

Quick as lightening, the stranger pulled his six-shooter-look-alike-water-pistol from its holster and let off three quick rounds, dead-center on the heathen’s forehead. The shouts from the crowds drowned out the stranger’s words and brought the marshal running.
“What’s going on here?” his authoritative voice rolled from his handsome, stern visage.

A bristly man with all the characteristics of an old goat answered in a nasally voice. “He done it, Matthew! He really done it! The stranger done baptized ol’ Adam! Whaddaya think of that!! Let’s all mosey on over to Miss Kitty’s and celebrate!”

Soon the night was falling, and like the sun, the stranger knew it was time for him to go out – ablaze!!!. “Thanks for the show, stranger,” the townsfolk called after him.

“No programo,” he replied and rode off into the sunset. E

(closing music and credits) Happy trails to you, until we meet again;
Happy trails to you, keep smilin’ until then.
Who cares about the cross when you’ve got glory,
And liturgy seems just like purgatory.
Happy trails to you,
‘til we meet again!!!

The Goof, His Fad, and It’s Ugly

A Ravioli-Ragu Production
in co-operation with
Twice Burned Prairie Dogs Film Corporation


Presido Geraldo………....The Stranger
Inferno! Calculatorio…..The Heathen
E. Clessio Supravisio…..The Marshal
Hey Zeus Primio……….The Old Goat


Sons of the Praisineers


Barnum and Bailey Circus

No animals’ feelings were hurt during the production of this film, with the possible exception of old goats.