Sunday, September 24, 2006

Spaghetti Western Missions

“The great command says: 1. Go out – ablaze!!! and 2. baptize and teach”

Well, I’ll tell ya, pilgrim. For some reason, this guy’s parting shot at Consensus just put me in mind of an old spaghetti Western. In fact, it just plumb inspired me! So grab some popcorn, settle back, and…. Roll film!!

The Goof, His Fad, and It’s Ugly

(opening music) See them tumbling down,
Playing the new, “ modern” sound.
Liturgy-free, they’ll be found
Drifting along with the doctrinal tumbleweeds…….

He was a stranger in a strange land, saddle sore and dusty-throated. Dressed in black, except for his collar, his spurs glittered at his heels as he stepped into the hard-packed street in the center of the sun-baked town. (ka-chink, ka-chink, ka-chink, ka-chink)

“Reach for the sky,” he great-commanded the unwashed heathen facing him from about fifty feet away. Women screamed, dogs barked, and shopkeepers ducked behind their counters. The heathen did as he was told, and the stranger approached. (ka-chink, ka-chink, ka-chink, ka-chink)

“Now listen up, and listen up good. I’m gonna teach you a lesson you won’t forget.” The heathen started to lower his hands. “Keep your hands up where I can see ‘em,” the stranger growled. “Good. Now, sway ‘em to the left. Now to the right. Left. Right. Now, you just keep that up and repeat after me.”

Warbling with a voice more suited to the night shift on a cattle drive, the stranger began. “Shine, Jesus, Shine…,” and the heathen echoed him and swayed obediently. After five choruses, the stranger’s hand was suddenly on the butt of his pistol. “That’s enough! Now, say your prayerssssss.”

Quick as lightening, the stranger pulled his six-shooter-look-alike-water-pistol from its holster and let off three quick rounds, dead-center on the heathen’s forehead. The shouts from the crowds drowned out the stranger’s words and brought the marshal running.
“What’s going on here?” his authoritative voice rolled from his handsome, stern visage.

A bristly man with all the characteristics of an old goat answered in a nasally voice. “He done it, Matthew! He really done it! The stranger done baptized ol’ Adam! Whaddaya think of that!! Let’s all mosey on over to Miss Kitty’s and celebrate!”

Soon the night was falling, and like the sun, the stranger knew it was time for him to go out – ablaze!!!. “Thanks for the show, stranger,” the townsfolk called after him.

“No programo,” he replied and rode off into the sunset. E

(closing music and credits) Happy trails to you, until we meet again;
Happy trails to you, keep smilin’ until then.
Who cares about the cross when you’ve got glory,
And liturgy seems just like purgatory.
Happy trails to you,
‘til we meet again!!!

The Goof, His Fad, and It’s Ugly

A Ravioli-Ragu Production
in co-operation with
Twice Burned Prairie Dogs Film Corporation


Presido Geraldo………....The Stranger
Inferno! Calculatorio…..The Heathen
E. Clessio Supravisio…..The Marshal
Hey Zeus Primio……….The Old Goat


Sons of the Praisineers


Barnum and Bailey Circus

No animals’ feelings were hurt during the production of this film, with the possible exception of old goats.

No comments: