Shortly after this time, a family reunion was held, and the pleasure was given to one Mrs. Shirley R. Proud to announce that the majority of folks proclaimed “I. M.” Knott really a Deacon, qualified to lead a congregation.
It took a while for the reality of the announcement to sink in, but when it finally did, sharp criticism was heard from others in the family, like Mrs. Ima Pauld, over the news. Said Ima Pauld, “To see that ten-class, undereducated man…. in sub-ordination vestments, no less! Why, if I ever hear his brother, Pastor Will-B Knott, in agreement with such…. or suggesting grape juice in stead of wine for… If I ever see Pastor Will-B Knott treating the hymnal like so much….litter – gee! It’s God’s Word, after all!!
Obviously, Ima had a lot on her mind and she’d kept it pent up for quite a while. The trouble was that there were now just too many like Shirley R. Proud and Mr. J.F. Mindset and his sister, Miss Iona Ree. They couldn’t be bothered over folks like Ima Pauld, Confessa N. Teach, or Gettha Message-Straight. They were just too old-school.
To top it off, under more pressure than ever, Miss Oura finally relented and chased after other business schemes, including an open-pit, flame-broiled bar-b-que joint.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Chapter 3 – The Thought Plickens
Twin boys were born. One resembled his father, so she named him Frederick Hanswurst Knott, and the other, given the moniker Wilhelm Brewmeister Knott, more resembled her. At first, times were tough for Miss Oura (and for the boys, with names like that!), but then she had a stretch of some barry good years (and the boys came up with nicknames they could live with). She was happy to see Will-B flourish during this time, and his desire to go to the seminary came to fruition. But, she worried about Fred. He’d kept frequent contact with his father, the now “Reformed Doc Trin”, who re-nick-named him “Ignitus Morris” (a name Fred said more accurately reflected his fiery personality and smoldering good looks). Like father, like son, they frequently reminded Miss Oura that she should get jiggy with the times. Together, the two of them pressured her to expand her catering services for the cultural mind-set crowd, and always keep in mind the bottom line. Only in this way would the family be able to afford paying Trinabus’ way through the Hot-n-Taught School of Pyrotechnic Medicine. Miss Oura consoled herself that at least he’d finally talked Fred into taking a few classes at the university.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Miss Oura takes a quick detour
Miss Oura Synod finally begins to wonder if patronizing "Le Salon de Practice Adiaphora" is such a good idea after all.
I wrote a reply on Friday to Pastor McCain’s post about the statue of Mary, however, I never got to post it due to an incredibly busy weekend and Monday. Since it looks like Pastor McCain has finally succeeded in getting the comments to his post going more toward his intended direction (a discussion of adiaphora), I won’t post my statue musings there. In stead, you all have to suffer through them here.
Since, as Lutherans, our focus is on Christ, we will begin there. Catholic Jesus is cradled so that His whole body is turned outward, toward the world. His face looks outward, toward the people He came to save. Why He is holding a banana, though, I cannot say. Or maybe Mary’s just letting him play with the moon for a while; I’m not sure. (Why is Earth and All Stars popping into my head right now?) The Lutheran Jesus looks like He just looooves His mama and can’t quite bring Himself to look at the world. As for mama herself, yes, Catholic Mary is depicted as the queen of heaven, decked out in her cosmic rays and crown, while Lutheran Mary is dressed very tastefully. However, by virtue of both Catholic and Lutheran Mary’s standing, as opposed to sitting, the size of them naturally outweighs the presence of (and therefore the focus on) the Child. Since both women have a look on their faces that says, “Man, this kid’s gettin’ heavy,” maybe that’s supposed to draw our attention back to Jesus.
Art, whether statue or painting, has movement. Well, I suppose if a “still life” had movement, it would kind of defeat the purpose, wouldn't it? Anyway, one of my favorite Mother and Child paintings is of a very young Mary kissing the face of baby Jesus. Proportionally, Mary and Jesus are on equal footing, and the implied movement draws the focus not so much to Mary, but to Christ -- the miracle of His allowing us to hold Him in our hands and to our lips. Catholic Mary has movement partly due to the quivering rays behind her, but also because her Child is active. Lutheran Mary and Jesus look, well, kind of bored. Maybe He dropped his banana.
I guess, there's no accounting for taste, and folks tell me mine is all in my mouth. So, I’ll just set aside my artistic critique and opine a bit: I do think that this statue and its candles give the impression that Lutherans do/did/could/should/may/might…all the helping verbs, really… pray to Mary. MAYBE (and that’s a really BIG “maybe”), if the center, extra-ornate, Marian-colored candle was replaced with a white Paschal candle, I could MAYBE be convinced that this “décor” is neutral or centered on Christ. On second thought, nope. Look at all the pretty white candles around Catholic Mary, some even in triplicate to remind us of the Trinity. No, surely a more appropriate place to pause for, and encourage prayer would be facing the altar or by the baptismal font.
Chapter 2 – Sowing Seeds of Scandal
I was already rather familiar with her case. Some 40 years or so ago, Miss Oura Synod was a nice respectable girl. Oh, sure, she’d had a falling-out with some friends who’d said good-by to her over the company she kept. But the biggest blow of all came in the form of one “Doctor” Trinabus Knott. He pitched woo to poor Oura until she’d entertained far more than a notion and found herself pregnant by the false “Doc Trin” as he fancied calling himself. The words of Great-Great-Great Grandpa saved the day, and seeing he was no doctor at all and nothing but a scoundrel, the Synod family sent him packing. But his semen-x remained, and now something grew quietly in depths of the body of a very naïve Miss Oura.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Story Hour
I went to the library the other day and picked up a book to read. Well, of course I was going to read it – I already have enough books just looking pretty sitting on my coffee table. The cover jacket said it was an old story, but contemporary at the same time. A story of scandal and cover-up, of war, and only a false sense of peace. I was hooked, and I just couldn’t put it down.
Chapter 1 - It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
It was late. I was sitting in my office when the phone rang. It was a dame. She was upset. She said her name was Onaleah Mosyn-Laymen, of the Confessional Mosyn branch on her Great-Great-Great Grandfather B.O. Concord’s side of the Synod family, and she’d heard some flim-flam man was after her entire family. She was hoping for an explanation she could understand and was hoping I was the man to give it to her. I took the case. I’m Luther N. Pastor, Private Eye.
I told her I’d meet her after church on Sunday with a full report.
Chapter 1 - It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
It was late. I was sitting in my office when the phone rang. It was a dame. She was upset. She said her name was Onaleah Mosyn-Laymen, of the Confessional Mosyn branch on her Great-Great-Great Grandfather B.O. Concord’s side of the Synod family, and she’d heard some flim-flam man was after her entire family. She was hoping for an explanation she could understand and was hoping I was the man to give it to her. I took the case. I’m Luther N. Pastor, Private Eye.
I told her I’d meet her after church on Sunday with a full report.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Friday, June 16, 2006
Strong fences make good neighbors
A squirrel has moved in under the rafters above the pastor’s study. Tsk! Really!! A church mouse is one thing, but a church squirrel?!? I understand the concept (not to mention the reality) of Salvation being for the Gentiles as well as the Jews, but I don’t think I can share my space with this nut-meister!
Mice scurry, you know…
… so today we’re going to scurry around my cranial attic and see what we can find amongst the boxes and dust bunnies.
*************************************
I want you to remember:
Ablaze! – It’s not a program, it’s a movement.
Multi-Site! – It’s not a mission, it’s a vehicle.
LCMS! – It’s not a synod, it’s a (to quote Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes) “It’s a madhouse!!!!!!!!”
**************************************
Ooooo! Clever, clever Biz Marks crew! They’re using the ol’ “Create a need, then fill it” business axiomatic torpedoes now. The more Multi-Site Ministries they can create, the more they’ll say we need lay-ministry “deacons” to lead them!
**************************************
Here’s a quick inspiration from Consensus:
Are your spiritual numerics in a slump?
Have your small group rotations ground to a halt?
Is your liturgical pest control pooped?
Perhaps we can help!
Lutheran
Cooperative
Expansion
Farm
“Strategic Mystery Planting”
These seeds of growth are the results of years of dedicated research, mimicry, and careful cloning using mostly* Lutheran DNA. While individual yields cannot be guaranteed, we’re sure your money will be well spent. Call us today!
* at least 51% by volume
*****************************************
And finally, we go Back to the Future……
A riot broke out at the 2007 LCMS Convention yesterday when a significant, but minority contingency of delegates, calling themselves “Confessionals,” arose as one and began whipping out cinctures (which had been hidden in their pockets), overturning tables, and shouting, “Get out of my grandfather’s church!” while lashing those around them. When police arrived at the scene, a man, who claimed to be the synodical president, had his hands firmly clamped over his fanny and was trying to rally his loyal district presidents around him, crying, “Protect my rear! Protect your rears!” Ack! Advance to the rear!”
When it was all sorted out, what Biblical scholars would call a “David and Goliath event” had taken place. As they were ushered off the premises, the shocked majority was heard mumbling “I knew we should have tried to pass that by-law the last time about disallowing vestments at convention activities.” With a firm grasp on the YFL sponsor’s ear, one Confessional was seen wrestling the writhing, aging baby-boomer out the door. Planting one good, swift, parting kick on the sponsor’s posterior, the Confessional bid him farewell. “And I’ve got 12 more choruses of THAT for you if you ever soil the minds of our youth with that tripe again!”
*******************************************
Oh, come on! It’s my attic and I can dream here if I want.
*************************************
I want you to remember:
Ablaze! – It’s not a program, it’s a movement.
Multi-Site! – It’s not a mission, it’s a vehicle.
LCMS! – It’s not a synod, it’s a (to quote Charlton Heston in Planet of the Apes) “It’s a madhouse!!!!!!!!”
**************************************
Ooooo! Clever, clever Biz Marks crew! They’re using the ol’ “Create a need, then fill it” business axiomatic torpedoes now. The more Multi-Site Ministries they can create, the more they’ll say we need lay-ministry “deacons” to lead them!
**************************************
Here’s a quick inspiration from Consensus:
Are your spiritual numerics in a slump?
Have your small group rotations ground to a halt?
Is your liturgical pest control pooped?
Perhaps we can help!
Lutheran
Cooperative
Expansion
Farm
“Strategic Mystery Planting”
These seeds of growth are the results of years of dedicated research, mimicry, and careful cloning using mostly* Lutheran DNA. While individual yields cannot be guaranteed, we’re sure your money will be well spent. Call us today!
* at least 51% by volume
*****************************************
And finally, we go Back to the Future……
A riot broke out at the 2007 LCMS Convention yesterday when a significant, but minority contingency of delegates, calling themselves “Confessionals,” arose as one and began whipping out cinctures (which had been hidden in their pockets), overturning tables, and shouting, “Get out of my grandfather’s church!” while lashing those around them. When police arrived at the scene, a man, who claimed to be the synodical president, had his hands firmly clamped over his fanny and was trying to rally his loyal district presidents around him, crying, “Protect my rear! Protect your rears!” Ack! Advance to the rear!”
When it was all sorted out, what Biblical scholars would call a “David and Goliath event” had taken place. As they were ushered off the premises, the shocked majority was heard mumbling “I knew we should have tried to pass that by-law the last time about disallowing vestments at convention activities.” With a firm grasp on the YFL sponsor’s ear, one Confessional was seen wrestling the writhing, aging baby-boomer out the door. Planting one good, swift, parting kick on the sponsor’s posterior, the Confessional bid him farewell. “And I’ve got 12 more choruses of THAT for you if you ever soil the minds of our youth with that tripe again!”
*******************************************
Oh, come on! It’s my attic and I can dream here if I want.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
church, churches, churched, churching
According to my 3-volume, 450,000+ word, Webster’s Third New International Unabridged Dictionary (are you impressed?), “churched” is not just used as an adjective describing someone who is affiliated with a church, it is also a form of the verb, to church, meaning “to bring or conduct to church to receive one of its rites," and “unchurched” means the opposite, that is to deprive someone of the church’s rites. Thus, one could say, “I’ll be churching Grandma today.” We must be careful, however, for the specific word “churching” can also mean “a ceremony by which, after childbirth, women are received in the church with prayers, blessings, and thanksgiving.” So, if I say I'm “churching grandma,” it might give the illusion that it's been a looooooong time since ol’ grandma’s been to church.
Now that I know that all forms of “church” (and would you believe “churchified” is a legitimate form?) can be used as nouns, verbs, or adjectives, in addition to singing, “I am the church, you are the church, we are the church together,” I can also sing, “The church am churched, the church are churched, all the church are churched together…” Of course, that’s kind of like saying that a cheese sandwich is a piece of cheese sandwiched between two slices of sandwich bread.
Now I ask you, if an unchurched happens to church another unchurched, does that make the first unchurched churched? And, how often do churched or unchurched have to church the unchurched before the unchurched are churched and can sing “The church am churched?”
Too hard? Here, I’ll make it simpler: How much churched can an unchurched church ‘fore the unchurched could church churched?
Still too hard? Try this: Chipper Charlie churched a church of unchurched chip-monks. If churlish unchurched chip-monks unchurched Charlie’s chipper chip-monks, where’s the church of Charlie’s chip-monks churlish unchurched churched?
Ow. I’m going to wrap my brain pan in an ace bandage and apply ice now. I think I sprained something.
Now that I know that all forms of “church” (and would you believe “churchified” is a legitimate form?) can be used as nouns, verbs, or adjectives, in addition to singing, “I am the church, you are the church, we are the church together,” I can also sing, “The church am churched, the church are churched, all the church are churched together…” Of course, that’s kind of like saying that a cheese sandwich is a piece of cheese sandwiched between two slices of sandwich bread.
Now I ask you, if an unchurched happens to church another unchurched, does that make the first unchurched churched? And, how often do churched or unchurched have to church the unchurched before the unchurched are churched and can sing “The church am churched?”
Too hard? Here, I’ll make it simpler: How much churched can an unchurched church ‘fore the unchurched could church churched?
Still too hard? Try this: Chipper Charlie churched a church of unchurched chip-monks. If churlish unchurched chip-monks unchurched Charlie’s chipper chip-monks, where’s the church of Charlie’s chip-monks churlish unchurched churched?
Ow. I’m going to wrap my brain pan in an ace bandage and apply ice now. I think I sprained something.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Multi-Site Miseries
Hey pastors, don’t feel bad if you can’t keep up with the Joneses. You say you don‘t have one of those new-fangled Multi-Site Ministries like they do in Missouri? Why, #1 of their Key Characteristics is “worship services in different locations.” So, as you’re going about your parish, making calls, bringing Life and Forgiveness to shut-ins, remember, you’re not doing “pastoral care,” you’ve got yourself a Multi-Site Ministry! Oops! Wait… hold the phone! Key Characteristic #5 says it “exists to serve unchurched people.” Well, shucks, that disqualifies your shut-in calls because they’re already churched.
Okay, so let’s say you've managed to set up an off-site, storefront, preaching station. Um, extension site. Er, satellite ministry. You should attract many new people, because “new ministries” are what really brings ‘em in, at least according to Key Characteristic #3. Now, I know this may make you a bit uncomfortable at first, but you will not be using ushers any more. In stead, you need to pick the biggest, strongest, meanest-looking hombre from your primary congregation to serve as a bouncer at the preaching station, extension, satellite thing. As new people come in the door, he’ll need to screen them to see if they meet Key Characteristic #5's criteria of being unchurched.
“Welcome to St. Ignitus’ Multi-Site Ministry Mission Model. Churched, or unchurched?
“Well, um, okay I must confess, we go to church on Christmas and Easter, but I was attracted to your new ministry, and I’m so happy…
“Nope, sorry. You’re churched. Please step aside.”
“But…”
“Look, don’t make me get rough, man. You’re churched! You need to run on down to St. Ignitus’ Main-Site Ministry Mission Mega-Mother Church. Next!”
You’ll then need to determine how many times the unchurched folks who attend your storefront ministry-site may come before they are considered churched and need to be sent back to the mother-ship, er, church. To help them make this transition smoothly, you’ll need to have your SPIFE assimilation drones, er, team in place and ready to…
Wait just one cotton-pickin’ minute! Did I make a wrong turn and end up in the Twilight Zone again!? It’s getting harder and harder to tell the difference. I thought I heard some do-do-DO-do’s, but I just figured it was a praise band warming up. Look! There’s a sign up ahead….
AAAUUUGGGHHH! It’s just as I feared!!!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Aglaze! - Sugar and SPIFE and everything nice,
that’s what happy little Lutherans are made of.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Okay, so let’s say you've managed to set up an off-site, storefront, preaching station. Um, extension site. Er, satellite ministry. You should attract many new people, because “new ministries” are what really brings ‘em in, at least according to Key Characteristic #3. Now, I know this may make you a bit uncomfortable at first, but you will not be using ushers any more. In stead, you need to pick the biggest, strongest, meanest-looking hombre from your primary congregation to serve as a bouncer at the preaching station, extension, satellite thing. As new people come in the door, he’ll need to screen them to see if they meet Key Characteristic #5's criteria of being unchurched.
“Welcome to St. Ignitus’ Multi-Site Ministry Mission Model. Churched, or unchurched?
“Well, um, okay I must confess, we go to church on Christmas and Easter, but I was attracted to your new ministry, and I’m so happy…
“Nope, sorry. You’re churched. Please step aside.”
“But…”
“Look, don’t make me get rough, man. You’re churched! You need to run on down to St. Ignitus’ Main-Site Ministry Mission Mega-Mother Church. Next!”
You’ll then need to determine how many times the unchurched folks who attend your storefront ministry-site may come before they are considered churched and need to be sent back to the mother-ship, er, church. To help them make this transition smoothly, you’ll need to have your SPIFE assimilation drones, er, team in place and ready to…
Wait just one cotton-pickin’ minute! Did I make a wrong turn and end up in the Twilight Zone again!? It’s getting harder and harder to tell the difference. I thought I heard some do-do-DO-do’s, but I just figured it was a praise band warming up. Look! There’s a sign up ahead….
AAAUUUGGGHHH! It’s just as I feared!!!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Aglaze! - Sugar and SPIFE and everything nice,
that’s what happy little Lutherans are made of.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Friday, June 09, 2006
I should have known better
Today, I decided to visit my city mouse cousin. This usually results in some sort of cultural trauma, and today was no exception. I spotted a shingle hanging above a door. “OPTIMETRIST,” it read. I hesitated over a sign in the window. “Get a better outlook on Ablaze! in thirty minutes, or your exam is free! Walk-ins Welcome.” I figured I might as well, because this Ablaze! vision has just been giving me fits.
“Welcome! Here to test your Ablaze! vision? Have a seat!” cried the doctor.
“My, Doctor, what pointy ears you have!”
“The better to hear you with, my dear,” he purred. “Now, first we’ll use this machine with the little flippy-lenses. Just look through here and tell me which is clearer. Is it better on one,
T
H E
G R E
A T C O
M M I S
S I O N
“or two?”
A
R T
I C L
E I V J
U S T I F
I C A T
I O N
“Well,” replied I, “there’s a kind of smoky haze covering part of number one, but number two is clear as a bell.”
A little scowl creased his brow and something swished back and forth beneath his white coat. But, he cheerfully continued, “Let’s try this next set. Is it better on three, or…”
“Oh, wow! How’d you get that 3-D effect of a hand reaching out to grab my checkbook” I cried.
“That’s not important right now; just tell me which one is clearer.”
“Okay, flip ‘em again.”
“Here’s three, andhere’s four.”
“That’s just amazing! Only this time, a hand is giving me a copy of “What About – Christian Stewardship.”
“ And which one is clearer?”
“Oh, sorry, number four is definitely clearer.”
Now a frown joined his scowl, but he persevered. “Let’s try this third set. Is it better on five…” I saw a picture of Jesus hanging on the cross. “Or, six?”
“Hey, that’s a picture of me! Wait!! Now I’m holding a mirror in front of my face, and I’ve got one of those infinity-reflection-things going on. Me, me, me, me, me... cool! This is the most amazing flippy-lens technology I’ve ever seen! Only… now it’s all out of focus, and I seem to be in constant motion. I think I’m getting “see” sick. No, number five is definitely better – steady and clear.”
“I see,” he said rather flatly. “We’re done with that portion of our test. We will now test your resistance to pressure.”
“You mean that poofy test for glaucoma?”
“No, that’s what an optOmetrist does. I suggest you see one of those, too. I’m an optImetrist, ever hopeful that Ablaze! will catch on. Now, get ready. Just look into this machine, focus on the logo, and you’ll feel a small “puff” of air. Ready?”
WOOSH!!!!
“Hey, that was no small puff; it was a blast of hot air!”
“Yes, I’m sorry. We’ve found that we get better results if we turn up the pressure really high. You seem to be pretty resistant; shall we try again?”
“Um, no thank you,” I said as I sprang out of the chair.
“But, you’ll feel so much better!”
“I’ll pass,” I said as I headed for the door.
“But, your Ablaze! vision needs correction!”
“No,” I said as I turned the knob, keeping a wary eye on him.
“We’re running a special,” he called. (Was it my imagination, or had his fingernails suddenly grown longer?) “2 for 1 on the Ablaze! Counter because we’re optimistic that your enCOUNTER might spark……”
“NO!!” I shouted and ran for my life.
I could hear his voice receding as I fled. “If it’s your checkbook you’re worried about, we gladly accept gold, silver, cash, money orders, electronic transfers, Visa, Mastercard, Diners’ Club, Discover, American Express, Western Union, Wal-Mart gift cards….
I headed for Blog’s Pharmacy. My eye was on fire, and I felt a bad case of heart burn coming on. I grabbed a bottle of Frank’s Eyewash and a box of Aardvark’s Antacid. I stopped by Father Hollywood’s video shop, picked up a copy of Luther’s movie reviews, and headed home. Maybe if I hurried, I could still catch the latest episode of Our Little House on the Prairie.
Oh, and I never did get to see my cousin.
“Welcome! Here to test your Ablaze! vision? Have a seat!” cried the doctor.
“My, Doctor, what pointy ears you have!”
“The better to hear you with, my dear,” he purred. “Now, first we’ll use this machine with the little flippy-lenses. Just look through here and tell me which is clearer. Is it better on one,
T
H E
G R E
A T C O
M M I S
S I O N
“or two?”
A
R T
I C L
E I V J
U S T I F
I C A T
I O N
“Well,” replied I, “there’s a kind of smoky haze covering part of number one, but number two is clear as a bell.”
A little scowl creased his brow and something swished back and forth beneath his white coat. But, he cheerfully continued, “Let’s try this next set. Is it better on three, or…”
“Oh, wow! How’d you get that 3-D effect of a hand reaching out to grab my checkbook” I cried.
“That’s not important right now; just tell me which one is clearer.”
“Okay, flip ‘em again.”
“Here’s three, and
“That’s just amazing! Only this time, a hand is giving me a copy of “What About – Christian Stewardship.”
“
“Oh, sorry, number four is definitely clearer.”
Now a frown joined his scowl, but he persevered. “Let’s try this third set. Is it better on five…” I saw a picture of Jesus hanging on the cross. “Or, six?”
“Hey, that’s a picture of me! Wait!! Now I’m holding a mirror in front of my face, and I’ve got one of those infinity-reflection-things going on. Me, me, me, me, me... cool! This is the most amazing flippy-lens technology I’ve ever seen! Only… now it’s all out of focus, and I seem to be in constant motion. I think I’m getting “see” sick. No, number five is definitely better – steady and clear.”
“I see,” he said rather flatly. “We’re done with that portion of our test. We will now test your resistance to pressure.”
“You mean that poofy test for glaucoma?”
“No, that’s what an optOmetrist does. I suggest you see one of those, too. I’m an optImetrist, ever hopeful that Ablaze! will catch on. Now, get ready. Just look into this machine, focus on the logo, and you’ll feel a small “puff” of air. Ready?”
WOOSH!!!!
“Hey, that was no small puff; it was a blast of hot air!”
“Yes, I’m sorry. We’ve found that we get better results if we turn up the pressure really high. You seem to be pretty resistant; shall we try again?”
“Um, no thank you,” I said as I sprang out of the chair.
“But, you’ll feel so much better!”
“I’ll pass,” I said as I headed for the door.
“But, your Ablaze! vision needs correction!”
“No,” I said as I turned the knob, keeping a wary eye on him.
“We’re running a special,” he called. (Was it my imagination, or had his fingernails suddenly grown longer?) “2 for 1 on the Ablaze! Counter because we’re optimistic that your enCOUNTER might spark……”
“NO!!” I shouted and ran for my life.
I could hear his voice receding as I fled. “If it’s your checkbook you’re worried about, we gladly accept gold, silver, cash, money orders, electronic transfers, Visa, Mastercard, Diners’ Club, Discover, American Express, Western Union, Wal-Mart gift cards….
I headed for Blog’s Pharmacy. My eye was on fire, and I felt a bad case of heart burn coming on. I grabbed a bottle of Frank’s Eyewash and a box of Aardvark’s Antacid. I stopped by Father Hollywood’s video shop, picked up a copy of Luther’s movie reviews, and headed home. Maybe if I hurried, I could still catch the latest episode of Our Little House on the Prairie.
Oh, and I never did get to see my cousin.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Words are our friends
I don’t know if the synod could have picked a name for a not-a-program more vulnerable to verbal high jinks than “Ablaze!”. First of all, it makes the capitalization, grammar, and punctuation features on your word processor go berserk. Second, there are so many incendiary! words related to burning! or its effects, it’s just hard not to heat! things up by taking aim and firing! a few of them off now and then. Even the Ablaze! proponents do it. Take the Southern District and their last year’s “Ablazing Grace – Brushfires-Ablaze.” I wonder how the folks in Florida, Oklahoma, and Texas feel about that. And come on… “Ablazing Grace?!” Though it pains me, I’ll refrain from a ditty digression. And then there’s the Nebraska District’s suggestion of starting a “Prairie Fire.” Honestly, since their own state, not to mention their neighboring states, have been in a drought for nearly a decade, you just have to ask, “What were they thinking?”
If you can keep your blood pressure down, poking around Ablaze! links can be rather entertaining. One led me to something called an LCMS Campus “Confabulation.” No doubt, with its rather simple phonetic construction, verbiphages probably spell this word during second-grade elimination rounds. And, while my mother-in-law tells me they used it somewhere in Mary Poppins, I, nevertheless, had to dig out my dictionary. I find it gratifying that our Lutheran college-level students are being challenged to improve their vocabulary. After all, some of them will be going on to seminary, where they use real whoppers like “concupiscence.” Yes, my beloved consortium of Confessionals, Conflagrate! is causing concision and confrontational conversation in the Missouri Consociation, but that doesn’t have to mean our capitulation to contumatious pressure from the liberal contingencies!! Er, sorry. A dictionary in the hands of an amateur is a dangerous thing. Where I meant to go was, it’s a shame so many congregations are laying aside the meaty vocabulary of the hymnal in favor of the whipped-cream language of contemporary Christian music. Which would you rather hear from little Lucy on the way home from church: twenty-seven rounds of “Celebrate Jesus, Celebrate?” or “Dad, what’s a paraclete?” Oi! No wonder we’re doomed. My spellchecker just suggested I try the word “parakeet.”
If you can keep your blood pressure down, poking around Ablaze! links can be rather entertaining. One led me to something called an LCMS Campus “Confabulation.” No doubt, with its rather simple phonetic construction, verbiphages probably spell this word during second-grade elimination rounds. And, while my mother-in-law tells me they used it somewhere in Mary Poppins, I, nevertheless, had to dig out my dictionary. I find it gratifying that our Lutheran college-level students are being challenged to improve their vocabulary. After all, some of them will be going on to seminary, where they use real whoppers like “concupiscence.” Yes, my beloved consortium of Confessionals, Conflagrate! is causing concision and confrontational conversation in the Missouri Consociation, but that doesn’t have to mean our capitulation to contumatious pressure from the liberal contingencies!! Er, sorry. A dictionary in the hands of an amateur is a dangerous thing. Where I meant to go was, it’s a shame so many congregations are laying aside the meaty vocabulary of the hymnal in favor of the whipped-cream language of contemporary Christian music. Which would you rather hear from little Lucy on the way home from church: twenty-seven rounds of “Celebrate Jesus, Celebrate?” or “Dad, what’s a paraclete?” Oi! No wonder we’re doomed. My spellchecker just suggested I try the word “parakeet.”
Saturday, June 03, 2006
For my hubby
Child of the ‘50’s, oh who could resist
Eating that oreo - twist of the wrist,
Dart of the tongue, licking insides out first,
Crunching the outside, or milk pre-immersed?
Then came the Captain of Crunchable fame.
He added Crunchberries; made you proclaim,
“These are my fav’rite, both now and alway;
Crunchberry Beast, to you homage I pay!”
Child, now turned 50, you still can’t resist
Eating that oreo, twisting your wrist.
Though I buy healthier things you should munch,
Home from the groc’ry you come, pleased as punch.
You and the Captain once more make a team;
Daughters adore you for your little scheme.
Though I may fuss, it’s a half-hearted scold;
Men need their Crunch to defy growing old.
See, you big goombah? I’m a mouse, not a shrew! ;-)
Eating that oreo - twist of the wrist,
Dart of the tongue, licking insides out first,
Crunching the outside, or milk pre-immersed?
Then came the Captain of Crunchable fame.
He added Crunchberries; made you proclaim,
“These are my fav’rite, both now and alway;
Crunchberry Beast, to you homage I pay!”
Child, now turned 50, you still can’t resist
Eating that oreo, twisting your wrist.
Though I buy healthier things you should munch,
Home from the groc’ry you come, pleased as punch.
You and the Captain once more make a team;
Daughters adore you for your little scheme.
Though I may fuss, it’s a half-hearted scold;
Men need their Crunch to defy growing old.
See, you big goombah? I’m a mouse, not a shrew! ;-)
Friday, June 02, 2006
I smell smoke
My June Lutheran Witness arrived yesterday, and I had a few minutes to give it a quick flip today. Another outstanding edition! Dr. Sanchez’s cover article was excellent and will be helpful as I talk with my Pentecostal neighbors, and Dr. Barth’s spoof tickled my whiskers. Suddenly the alarm from my Amazing Ablaze!-o-Meter rang out. I guess President Kieschnick just couldn’t help himself because, after a two-month absence, there was a smoke signal on page 29. Maybe it will turn out to be from a dying ember, and the LCMS will finally see Ablaze! the way Pat from Kansas City (“Letters” page) sees tattoos: a “fad” that some “considered beautiful at the moment.”
Just FYI, I ran a quick search engine on what Ablaze! is and is not. Ablaze! is a vision, movement, response, initiative, program, process, journey, concerted effort, ministry, call to action, focus, goal, opportunity, call, plan, and invitation. Ablaze! is not a western (a relief, I’m sure, to the Nielsen ratings), a campaign (giving, or otherwise), an answer (to the burning question of, “When is a program not a program?” I wish!!), a program (SEE??), or a quick fix (nor quickly fixed, apparently). And now that I'm all inspired, I’m going out and set my trash ablaze. That’s what we country folk usually do with it, and besides, I have too much to load up and take to the post office. Do you think Dr. Luther would approve?
p.s. I'm sorry Dr. Sanchez. I could NOT make my computer put the accent mark over the "a" in your name.
Just FYI, I ran a quick search engine on what Ablaze! is and is not. Ablaze! is a vision, movement, response, initiative, program, process, journey, concerted effort, ministry, call to action, focus, goal, opportunity, call, plan, and invitation. Ablaze! is not a western (a relief, I’m sure, to the Nielsen ratings), a campaign (giving, or otherwise), an answer (to the burning question of, “When is a program not a program?” I wish!!), a program (SEE??), or a quick fix (nor quickly fixed, apparently). And now that I'm all inspired, I’m going out and set my trash ablaze. That’s what we country folk usually do with it, and besides, I have too much to load up and take to the post office. Do you think Dr. Luther would approve?
p.s. I'm sorry Dr. Sanchez. I could NOT make my computer put the accent mark over the "a" in your name.
There's no business like show bizness
On Memorial Day, the satellite stations AMC and TCM were showing war movies. I spotted one that I’ve enjoyed for many years – Sink the Bismarck. I thought about this oldie but goodie while searching for bits of popcorn under the couch a few days later. Next thing I knew, my rodent brain had wandered down a slightly different path ~ Bismarck….Bismark…Bizmark….
Biz Marks! And, like the seemingly impossible task laid before the Allied Navy in WWII, the allied confessionals now must attempt once again to Sink the Biz Marks!
The entire LCMS fleet had been sailing around in circles on turbulent waters. Joined together by the barest thread, the Church Marks were still evident among them. But by 2006, many were listing heavily to port, having been hit repeatedly by what lurked beneath the waves.
“Load the torpedo tubes with our weapons of Mass destruction!” barked the captain of the submarine, Biz Marks.
“Aye, sir! Ready and waiting, sir”
“Fire one!”
“’Corporate Jargon’ away, sir. Reports of confusion aboard all targets.”
“Fire two!”
“’Boardroom Bullying’ running straight, sir. Reports of casualties coming in.”
“Fire three!”
“Um, sir? ‘By-law Interpretation’ is jammed in the legal tube.”
“WHAT? I told you, always fire the BI’s through the CTCR or CCM tubes!”
“Yes, sir! Sorry, sir! BI away, and headed straight for the target.”
Right. Now, prepare to surface and man the deck gun!
Ready the accountants! …… “COMMENCE ABLAZE!!!”
(Interesting “historical” note: During this great battle, the crew of the Biz Marks abandoned the most historically successful weapons known in the corporate world: Product Consistency and Product Recognition. How happy would the kiddies be if every McDonald’s had a different menu? How successful would the Coca Cola Bottling Company be if every bottling center came up with its own recipe? It would be pretty tough to buy a box of Kleenex brand facial tissue if the name, Kleenex, appeared nowhere on the box. No, when you pull into a Wendy’s in North Dakota, you know that the Single, Double, Triple, Chili, and Frosty will be just like the ones back home in Georgia. The seating and décor may be different; the faces and accents of the employees are certainly varied; but that’s not what you came to Wendy’s for, is it?)
Currently, “Ol’ MO’s” chances of sinking the Biz Marks do not look too good. Yet we’ll do our best to drop counter measures at the ’07 convention. If the Biz Marks dives lower or her crew turn deaf ears to these depth charges and continue their attack, we may indeed have to lower the life boats and abandon ship. But, whether we bob around independently, lash our rafts together, or, by His mercy, witness the Biz Marks sailing off in her own direction leaving “Ol’ MO” to once again be “synod”, we know that the battle belongs to the Lord of the Church, and He will pilot us to safe harbor.
Biz Marks! And, like the seemingly impossible task laid before the Allied Navy in WWII, the allied confessionals now must attempt once again to Sink the Biz Marks!
The entire LCMS fleet had been sailing around in circles on turbulent waters. Joined together by the barest thread, the Church Marks were still evident among them. But by 2006, many were listing heavily to port, having been hit repeatedly by what lurked beneath the waves.
“Load the torpedo tubes with our weapons of Mass destruction!” barked the captain of the submarine, Biz Marks.
“Aye, sir! Ready and waiting, sir”
“Fire one!”
“’Corporate Jargon’ away, sir. Reports of confusion aboard all targets.”
“Fire two!”
“’Boardroom Bullying’ running straight, sir. Reports of casualties coming in.”
“Fire three!”
“Um, sir? ‘By-law Interpretation’ is jammed in the legal tube.”
“WHAT? I told you, always fire the BI’s through the CTCR or CCM tubes!”
“Yes, sir! Sorry, sir! BI away, and headed straight for the target.”
Right. Now, prepare to surface and man the deck gun!
Ready the accountants! …… “COMMENCE ABLAZE!!!”
(Interesting “historical” note: During this great battle, the crew of the Biz Marks abandoned the most historically successful weapons known in the corporate world: Product Consistency and Product Recognition. How happy would the kiddies be if every McDonald’s had a different menu? How successful would the Coca Cola Bottling Company be if every bottling center came up with its own recipe? It would be pretty tough to buy a box of Kleenex brand facial tissue if the name, Kleenex, appeared nowhere on the box. No, when you pull into a Wendy’s in North Dakota, you know that the Single, Double, Triple, Chili, and Frosty will be just like the ones back home in Georgia. The seating and décor may be different; the faces and accents of the employees are certainly varied; but that’s not what you came to Wendy’s for, is it?)
Currently, “Ol’ MO’s” chances of sinking the Biz Marks do not look too good. Yet we’ll do our best to drop counter measures at the ’07 convention. If the Biz Marks dives lower or her crew turn deaf ears to these depth charges and continue their attack, we may indeed have to lower the life boats and abandon ship. But, whether we bob around independently, lash our rafts together, or, by His mercy, witness the Biz Marks sailing off in her own direction leaving “Ol’ MO” to once again be “synod”, we know that the battle belongs to the Lord of the Church, and He will pilot us to safe harbor.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Hims
I want to sing hymns out of a hymnal, though I do admit it’s a little harder with the advent of bifocals. That’s what we did at our first church out here on the prairie until the “worship folder” was ushered in. Then we started singing hims. Hymns are (or certainly should be) Christ-centered. Hims are, what else, man-centered.
So, if you haven’t reached the Outer Limit with these trips to the Twilight Zone, then settle back and get comfy. We’re goin’ in again!
Young
Factious
Lutherans
Where the future of church leadership, like, begins today!
May 29, 2006
Dear YFL Sponsor,
As was announced last week, the Synodical Convention’s host congregation’s YFL will be performing a special song to be sung on the convention floor to kick-off the proceedings. But we feel that youth all around the country will want to warm up to its glowing, so we are sending each and every congregation’s YFL a copy of it.
Sincerely,
So, if you haven’t reached the Outer Limit with these trips to the Twilight Zone, then settle back and get comfy. We’re goin’ in again!
Young
Factious
Lutherans
Where the future of church leadership, like, begins today!
May 29, 2006
Dear YFL Sponsor,
As was announced last week, the Synodical Convention’s host congregation’s YFL will be performing a special song to be sung on the convention floor to kick-off the proceedings. But we feel that youth all around the country will want to warm up to its glowing, so we are sending each and every congregation’s YFL a copy of it.
Sincerely,
Mr. Ditfield “Ditty” Digress,
Senior Wroughten Worship Writer,
National Young Factious Lutherans
I Simply Sing!
By “Ditty” Digress, on the occasion
of the 2007 National Convention of the
Lutheran Congregations Mangling Scripture
(with a tip of the ol’ Stetson to Toby Keith)
We talk about our church, an' what we're gonna do
To fill the walls 'til burstin' and load up every pew.
We'll introduce a new style, or maybe two or three.
We'll get ourselves a praise band and can the liturgy!
Chorus: Even just thinking about it makes me smile,
So more than once in a while-----------
I simply sing about me; simply sing about I;
Simply sing about what I do, oh my me my --
How I sing, how I praise, how I feel, how I'm celebratiiiiiiing!
I get bored when I hafta sing didactically…. So, innovatively,
I SIMPLY SING ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
And when the folks complain that this isn't what they know,
We'll tell 'em, "that's okay, just sit back and watch the show!"
We'll turn the volume louder, so they don't hafta think.
Weak doctrine doesn't matter just so long as we're in synch! Chorus
And neither does it matter that the songs ain't very long;
They all match our attention span; the doctrine ain't too strong.
I've said all that's important, so there really ain't much more.
Let's sing the chorus 12 more times, then all head out the door! Chorus 12 times
Senior Wroughten Worship Writer,
National Young Factious Lutherans
I Simply Sing!
By “Ditty” Digress, on the occasion
of the 2007 National Convention of the
Lutheran Congregations Mangling Scripture
(with a tip of the ol’ Stetson to Toby Keith)
We talk about our church, an' what we're gonna do
To fill the walls 'til burstin' and load up every pew.
We'll introduce a new style, or maybe two or three.
We'll get ourselves a praise band and can the liturgy!
Chorus: Even just thinking about it makes me smile,
So more than once in a while-----------
I simply sing about me; simply sing about I;
Simply sing about what I do, oh my me my --
How I sing, how I praise, how I feel, how I'm celebratiiiiiiing!
I get bored when I hafta sing didactically…. So, innovatively,
I SIMPLY SING ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
And when the folks complain that this isn't what they know,
We'll tell 'em, "that's okay, just sit back and watch the show!"
We'll turn the volume louder, so they don't hafta think.
Weak doctrine doesn't matter just so long as we're in synch! Chorus
And neither does it matter that the songs ain't very long;
They all match our attention span; the doctrine ain't too strong.
I've said all that's important, so there really ain't much more.
Let's sing the chorus 12 more times, then all head out the door! Chorus 12 times
Friday, May 26, 2006
Are ya ready, kids?
Over at Consensus, someone asked about the Purple Palace. This scenario has been stirring around in the back of my head for a while now, but perhaps only fans of rectangular britches will appreciate it…
Are ya ready, kids?
Aye, aye, Kantor!
I can’t hear you!
AYE, AYE, KANTOR!!
Whooooooo works in a palace as purple can be?
(come on, you know it fits here… just sing it!)
Bylaw-ish, and lib’ral, and popish is he
(You know you know)
If doctrinal nonsense is just what you wish,
(I know you know)
Then follow his lead, and you’ll flop like a fish!
(You know you know, I know you know,
you knoooooow, I know!)
Now enter with me into the wonderful, watery world of “You Know” and his friends…..
“Hey, Skidword, what’s that on your arm?”
“I have no idea, “You Know.” It started out small, and now it’s really big.”
“It looks like a little building. With a steeple. Oooo, maybe it’s a Church Growth! Hahahahahaha, hahahahahahaha, hahahahahaaha!”
“Oh, you are just too funny, “You Know.””
“I’m sorry Skidword. Does it hurt?”
“Yeah, I’d better go see the doctor.”
(Later)
“Hi, Skidword. What did the doctor say?”
“He said it is a Church Growth, that you’re a known carrier, and it’s really hard to get rid of.”
“I can do it, Skidword!”
“No, “You Know.””
“Aw, come on; let me try.”
“NO, “You Know.””
“Aw, come on ya big chicken! Let me buuuuurn it off!”
“NO, NO, get away from me you porous propagator of platitudes!”
“Sing it with me, Skidword! Come on baby, light my fire….” Hahahahahahahaha, hahahahahahaha, hahahahahahaha”
“NO, ouch, get away, that hurts, NO, “You Know”!”
“There!”
“AUUUGGHHH! You made it even bigger!”
“Yep. It’s the wave of the future, Skidword. Oooo, here comes St. Patrick. He’s next. Hey, St. Patrick!”
“Run, St. Patrick, run! “You Know’s” gone mad with power!”
“Duuuuuhhh, oh right! He’s already set me ablaze once this year! AUUUGGHHH!
(Meanwhile, down at the Crusty Crab…)
“Mr. Crabz, we’re with the congregational health department. We have reason to believe that your employee, one Mr. “You Know I Know,” has been purposefully trying to infect every one with Church Growths. We’d like to use your restaurant as a confessional operation and nab this guy before everyone in the community is infected.”
“Sure thing, mateys! He’s given me half a dozen of the blighters already. Ye can hide in the kitchen, but I’m a-warnin’ ye – he keeps it mighty hot in there.”
“We’ve got it covered, Mr. Crabz. Here he comes now.”
“Burn, baby, burn; disco inferno! Hi, Mr. Crabz! Want me to take care of those growths yet?”
“For the last time, NO. Now get to work, “You Know”.”
“Aye, aye Mr. Crabz. I’m cookin’ up a really good special today: Happy Clappy Crabby Patty Surprise! Hahahahahahaha, hahahahahahaha, hahahahahahaha”
“Good. Great. You just hurry on into the kitchen, “You Know”. Go on now. Get in there. Off you go. Time’s a-wastin’. Shoo-shoo.”
“Wait just a minute, Mr. Crabz. You seem awfully anxious to get me into that kitchen. It’s a trap! It’s a trap! Run away! Run away!”
(later at the purple palace)
“That’s right Jerry! ( I love that name. Oh, Jerry, my beloved snail, you don’t think it was silly to name you after …, no, never mind. Oops, where was I? Oh, yeah.) They’ll never get me out of here. Never, never, never! I’ve got the palace. I’ve got the purpose. I’ve got powerrrrr!!!!! Bwahahahahahaha, hahahahahahaha, hahahahahahaha!”
(Tune in next summer, mateys, to see the exciting conclusion!)
Are ya ready, kids?
Aye, aye, Kantor!
I can’t hear you!
AYE, AYE, KANTOR!!
Whooooooo works in a palace as purple can be?
(come on, you know it fits here… just sing it!)
Bylaw-ish, and lib’ral, and popish is he
(You know you know)
If doctrinal nonsense is just what you wish,
(I know you know)
Then follow his lead, and you’ll flop like a fish!
(You know you know, I know you know,
you knoooooow, I know!)
Now enter with me into the wonderful, watery world of “You Know” and his friends…..
“Hey, Skidword, what’s that on your arm?”
“I have no idea, “You Know.” It started out small, and now it’s really big.”
“It looks like a little building. With a steeple. Oooo, maybe it’s a Church Growth! Hahahahahaha, hahahahahahaha, hahahahahaaha!”
“Oh, you are just too funny, “You Know.””
“I’m sorry Skidword. Does it hurt?”
“Yeah, I’d better go see the doctor.”
(Later)
“Hi, Skidword. What did the doctor say?”
“He said it is a Church Growth, that you’re a known carrier, and it’s really hard to get rid of.”
“I can do it, Skidword!”
“No, “You Know.””
“Aw, come on; let me try.”
“NO, “You Know.””
“Aw, come on ya big chicken! Let me buuuuurn it off!”
“NO, NO, get away from me you porous propagator of platitudes!”
“Sing it with me, Skidword! Come on baby, light my fire….” Hahahahahahahaha, hahahahahahaha, hahahahahahaha”
“NO, ouch, get away, that hurts, NO, “You Know”!”
“There!”
“AUUUGGHHH! You made it even bigger!”
“Yep. It’s the wave of the future, Skidword. Oooo, here comes St. Patrick. He’s next. Hey, St. Patrick!”
“Run, St. Patrick, run! “You Know’s” gone mad with power!”
“Duuuuuhhh, oh right! He’s already set me ablaze once this year! AUUUGGHHH!
(Meanwhile, down at the Crusty Crab…)
“Mr. Crabz, we’re with the congregational health department. We have reason to believe that your employee, one Mr. “You Know I Know,” has been purposefully trying to infect every one with Church Growths. We’d like to use your restaurant as a confessional operation and nab this guy before everyone in the community is infected.”
“Sure thing, mateys! He’s given me half a dozen of the blighters already. Ye can hide in the kitchen, but I’m a-warnin’ ye – he keeps it mighty hot in there.”
“We’ve got it covered, Mr. Crabz. Here he comes now.”
“Burn, baby, burn; disco inferno! Hi, Mr. Crabz! Want me to take care of those growths yet?”
“For the last time, NO. Now get to work, “You Know”.”
“Aye, aye Mr. Crabz. I’m cookin’ up a really good special today: Happy Clappy Crabby Patty Surprise! Hahahahahahaha, hahahahahahaha, hahahahahahaha”
“Good. Great. You just hurry on into the kitchen, “You Know”. Go on now. Get in there. Off you go. Time’s a-wastin’. Shoo-shoo.”
“Wait just a minute, Mr. Crabz. You seem awfully anxious to get me into that kitchen. It’s a trap! It’s a trap! Run away! Run away!”
(later at the purple palace)
“That’s right Jerry! (
(Tune in next summer, mateys, to see the exciting conclusion!)
Pot Luck Pandemonium
Lutherans are known for their pot lucks, but right now there’s a mighty big food fight going on in the church basement. Church Growthers keep lobbing cream pietism and schwaffles swimming in syrup into the faces of the Confessionals, who keep aiming their rare, Bloody burgers at the hearts and ears of the LINO’s.
Though some feel outnumbered and have packed up their lunches and left, for most Confessionals, hope springs eternal. The lines of disagreement are becoming clearer, as folks are beginning to agree that the disagreement over agreeing to disagree is really disagreement to agree in the first place. That was clear, right? Most think the “conventional” methods of peace deserve at least one more shot, though a shot of what, I'm not sure. I guess time will tell. Meanwhile, as the synodical convention draws nearer, train your eye to read between the lines. It’s easier than you think, and you might learn a thing or two!
*****do-do-DO-do, do-do-DO-do*****
You are about to enter…. Aw, you know the drill.
Convention News
Get Out the Vote!
Get the Conservatives Out of the Vote!
Progress is being made for readying
Progressive headway is being made for
the Synod for her 2007 Convention! A big
dominating the 2007 Convention!
“Thank-You!” goes to the National YFL for
sponsoring the “Name that Convention”
contest. The committee has chosen a win-
Though some feel outnumbered and have packed up their lunches and left, for most Confessionals, hope springs eternal. The lines of disagreement are becoming clearer, as folks are beginning to agree that the disagreement over agreeing to disagree is really disagreement to agree in the first place. That was clear, right? Most think the “conventional” methods of peace deserve at least one more shot, though a shot of what, I'm not sure. I guess time will tell. Meanwhile, as the synodical convention draws nearer, train your eye to read between the lines. It’s easier than you think, and you might learn a thing or two!
*****do-do-DO-do, do-do-DO-do*****
You are about to enter…. Aw, you know the drill.
Convention News
Get Out the Vote!
Get the Conservatives Out of the Vote!
Progress is being made for readying
Progressive headway is being made for
the Synod for her 2007 Convention! A big
dominating the 2007 Convention!
“Thank-You!” goes to the National YFL for
sponsoring the “Name that Convention”
contest. The committee has chosen a win-
The committee had already pre-selected
ning theme: Conflict Aglaze! – Conquering
the winning theme:
Contemporary Contention. The host con-
gregation’s YLF will be singing a song
written especially to kick-off the Convention.
tick-off the Conservatives.
Now the time has come for congre-
the winning theme:
Contemporary Contention. The host con-
gregation’s YLF will be singing a song
written especially to kick-off the Convention.
tick-off the Conservatives.
Now the time has come for congre-
Now the time has come for Aglaze! ap-
gations to begin submitting their overtures to
proved congregations to begin wooing the Conven-
the Convention Floor Committees for ap-
tion Floor Committees.
proval. If your congregation’s overture is
selected to appear in the Convention Work-
book, your representative will receive a
commemorative pen for marking his or her
commemorative “You Betcha!” rubber stamp
ballots. Submission deadline is March 1,
proved congregations to begin wooing the Conven-
the Convention Floor Committees for ap-
tion Floor Committees.
proval. If your congregation’s overture is
selected to appear in the Convention Work-
book, your representative will receive a
commemorative pen for marking his or her
commemorative “You Betcha!” rubber stamp
ballots. Submission deadline is March 1,
(March… May... whatever)
2007. The Floor Committees will
complete their selections by May 15, and
each congregation will receive by mail their
each Aglaze! approved congregation will receive
Convention Information Packet soon after-
by priority mail
wards. So don’t delay – send yours today!
2007. The Floor Committees will
complete their selections by May 15, and
each congregation will receive by mail their
each Aglaze! approved congregation will receive
Convention Information Packet soon after-
by priority mail
wards. So don’t delay – send yours today!
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Aglaze! - One miscelany, One melange,
One big mess
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
and coming soon....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Aglaze! Lite - Sacharinental living for
Lutherans with an even lighter appetite
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Fast Food Pastors, part 2
The way things stand now, the seminaries seem to be turning out a pretty decent bunch of confessional men, but many congregations and their district presidents aren’t all that fired up about having them in their districts. This doesn't always make for a smooth transition for either pastors or congregations. Remember that new pastor we special-ordered from our favorite restaurant last month? Well, rumor has it….
He was fresh out of the kitchen, and somebody goofed. He wasn’t a thing like we’d ordered! “I’ll have a pastor, not too well done,” we said. Man, this guy was really rare, dripping with Blood, and wanting to share it with the whole congregation every Sunday! Can you say, “Ewww?!?” I mean, moderation in all things, right? And where was our “little theology?” Who ever thought those Sem grads studied ALL the books of the Bible. I was really looking forward to “extra edifying worship and evangelism.” I love my pastors loaded up with that. Guess we should have been more specific about how we wanted edifying and who we wanted evangelized. He tried whipping out something called a Book of Concord on us, but “One man’s Augsburg is another man’s adiaphora,” I always say. Well, the Worship Team and LWML figure if we throw him on the grill for about a year, he ought to be pretty palatable. If not, we may have to call in someone from the restaurant and they can really turn up the heat.
Maybe the problem is that we just have too many districts. You know the old saying, “Too many chefs spoil the broth.” So, let’s narrow it down to three, non-geographical districts. And, since the Synod is moving toward a business model anyway, members would be free to make an annual decision about which district they want to belong to, kind of like corporations let employees choose their health insurance plans. Once again, the Witness or Reporter would be the perfect vehicle to get the word out so congregations could understand all their options.
He was fresh out of the kitchen, and somebody goofed. He wasn’t a thing like we’d ordered! “I’ll have a pastor, not too well done,” we said. Man, this guy was really rare, dripping with Blood, and wanting to share it with the whole congregation every Sunday! Can you say, “Ewww?!?” I mean, moderation in all things, right? And where was our “little theology?” Who ever thought those Sem grads studied ALL the books of the Bible. I was really looking forward to “extra edifying worship and evangelism.” I love my pastors loaded up with that. Guess we should have been more specific about how we wanted edifying and who we wanted evangelized. He tried whipping out something called a Book of Concord on us, but “One man’s Augsburg is another man’s adiaphora,” I always say. Well, the Worship Team and LWML figure if we throw him on the grill for about a year, he ought to be pretty palatable. If not, we may have to call in someone from the restaurant and they can really turn up the heat.
Maybe the problem is that we just have too many districts. You know the old saying, “Too many chefs spoil the broth.” So, let’s narrow it down to three, non-geographical districts. And, since the Synod is moving toward a business model anyway, members would be free to make an annual decision about which district they want to belong to, kind of like corporations let employees choose their health insurance plans. Once again, the Witness or Reporter would be the perfect vehicle to get the word out so congregations could understand all their options.
(Cue Twilight Zone music)
***********do-do-DO-do--do-do-DO-do--do-do-DO-do**********
***********do-do-DO-do--do-do-DO-do--do-do-DO-do**********
You are about to enter a parallel universe (again). Remember, all references to real LCMS entities are merely a coincidence. Well...... mostly.
************do-do-DO**************
Announcements
As you are probably aware, it’s time for members (ordained, commissioned, congregations, etc.) to choose annual District Assurance Affiliation (DAA). Remember, once you make your choice, you cannot change until the following enrollment period. Please consider your choices carefully and submit them by 12/01/06 (early enrollment 11/01/06). Premiums will be billed accordingly.
Noflack District – Hey, SILLY, can’t you tell the difference between a GOOSE and a duck?
This is the least expensive DAA and has the fewest hassles. Once your premium is remitted, you are pretty much free to do or say whatever you want. Noflack congregations will receive a paperback edition of the synodical constitution, bylaws, and Book of Concord, as well as a handy Swiffer duster to keep ‘em lookin’ good. The Noflack early enrollment bonus is a large piece of flint engraved with the Aglaze! logo and guaranteed to spark first time, every time. You’ll love the experience! Noflack is available to ELCA congregations, at a slightly higher premium, but only if they are working alongside an LCMS RSO.
Big Brotherhood District – War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, and Ignorance is Strength – Ministry of Truth
Boasting moderate premiums and the largest numbers, the BBDAA allows a great amount of freedom, but a few restrictions still apply. You will need to choose two of the four available BB Ministries (listed here in order of popularity): The Ministry of Love, Ministry of Plenty, Ministry of Peace, or Ministry of Truth. You are also required to leave sanctuary big screens on at all times. You will receive a leather-bound edition of the latest synodical constitution and bylaws, gold-embossed with the Aglaze! logo and your congregation’s name. The handy pull-out section, containing a flow-chart of ecclesiastical supervision and a list of district-approved legal assistants, will come in handy time and time again. Early rock-enrollers will receive the five CD set, Classic Boomer Worship, including hits like “I Feel Good” and “Johnnie Angel.”
His Cross/His Shield District – We Preach Christ and Him Crucified
While HC/HS is the most expensive DAA, all premiums have been paid in full by a generous Benefactor. HC/HS may not be for everyone as, while it allows the greatest freedom to its members, it demands the greatest responsibility and knowledge of God’s Word and the Lutheran Confessions. Your congregation is sure to enjoy its early enrollment gift of a one year’s magazine subscription to Quia Scriptures/Quia Confessions. Unlike Noflack and Big Brotherhood, HC/HS has year-round open enrollment.
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Aglaze! - it's not just doctrinal frosting,
it's a sweet vision of success
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J.K. Howling now available at
Discordia Publishing House !
Discordia Publishing House !
Jerry Plotter & the Source o’ His Groan
Jerry Plotter & the Secret Voting Chamber
Jerry Plotter & the Prisoners of Apraiseband
Jerry Plotter & the Goblet of Ire
Jerry Plotter & the Odor of Polemics
Jerry Plotter & the Half-Truth Fineprints
Jerry Plotter & the Secret Voting Chamber
Jerry Plotter & the Prisoners of Apraiseband
Jerry Plotter & the Goblet of Ire
Jerry Plotter & the Odor of Polemics
Jerry Plotter & the Half-Truth Fineprints
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Fast Food Pastors
“Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don’t upset us….” Having just studied a Pastoral Skills Survey as part of a congregation’s call process, who would have ever thought that it would be as simple as ordering up a burger from your favorite restaurant! “I’ll have a pastor, not too well done, with a little theology and extra edifying worship & evangelism, plus a side order of social ministry. Oh, and biggie-size that, please.” Since so many congregations, encouraged by their districts, want to treat their pastors like hirelings (firelings?), let’s just modify the call process to include the option of simply placing a want ad in the Witness or Reporter. Confessional pastors, while waiting for an actual call, would be less likely to fall prey to Lutheran-in-name-only congregations engaged in false advertising. Church growth pastors could avoid the hassle of having to drag stodgy ol’ congregations into the 21st Century. It’s good for them… it’s good for us… what’s not to love? “Have it your way!!”
Classifieds
WANTED: St. Ignitus, LCMS, has an immediate opening for Senior Pastor, Deacon, or DCWhatever. Applicants should hold a Master’s Degree (or have taken a few classes, either is fine really) in Congregational Pediatrics with an emphasis in itching ears and bellyaches. Duties would include planning and leading the 8:30 Sunday morning Blended Service and the 10:30 a.m. Contemporary Service, as well as the 6:30 Sunday evening Conga Line Service, the 4:45 Tuesday afternoon Jazzercize Service, the Friday night Sleep-Over-Lock-In Heavy Metal Youth Service, and the third Thursday (unless it’s raining) Outdoor Hoedown Hootenanny Service (A member of the Worship Team is responsible for calling the liturgical square dance). Familiarity with Discordia Publishing House’s “Bach! Humbug!!” Sunday school series would allow you to quickly integrate with our youth.
St. Ignitus has an active Lutherans Wandering Mindlessly League, whose mites support the worldwide Aglaze! program. Our ministries include Nutritional You – Eyeballs Aglaze!, feeding the congregation a steady diet of milk until they can’t see straight; Play Nice on the Playground – Craniums Aglaze!, assisting the congregation in burying their heads in the sand so they don’t have to think straight; and Purpose Driven Excavation – Eardrums Aglaze!, removing just enough of the afore-mentioned sand from the congregation’s ears so they can hear the praise band.
Salary and benefits are commensurate with our own experience and will be reviewed at our quarterly congregational bonfires. Should two consecutive reviews fall short of expectations, you will be given the chance to enroll in Loving Arms of District Doctrinal Ecclesiastical Remediation, but St. Ignitus does retain the right to fire you at any time for any reason. Send resume’ and references to:
St. Ignitus
Lutheran Congregations Mangling Scripture
666 Dante Road
Liberal, MO 12345
(Cue Twilight Zone music)
*******do-do-DO-do--do-do-DO-do--do-do-DO-do*******
You are about to enter a parallel universe. Remember, all references to real LCMS entities are merely a coincidence. Well....... mostly.
**************do-do-DO************
Classifieds
WANTED: St. Ignitus, LCMS, has an immediate opening for Senior Pastor, Deacon, or DCWhatever. Applicants should hold a Master’s Degree (or have taken a few classes, either is fine really) in Congregational Pediatrics with an emphasis in itching ears and bellyaches. Duties would include planning and leading the 8:30 Sunday morning Blended Service and the 10:30 a.m. Contemporary Service, as well as the 6:30 Sunday evening Conga Line Service, the 4:45 Tuesday afternoon Jazzercize Service, the Friday night Sleep-Over-Lock-In Heavy Metal Youth Service, and the third Thursday (unless it’s raining) Outdoor Hoedown Hootenanny Service (A member of the Worship Team is responsible for calling the liturgical square dance). Familiarity with Discordia Publishing House’s “Bach! Humbug!!” Sunday school series would allow you to quickly integrate with our youth.
St. Ignitus has an active Lutherans Wandering Mindlessly League, whose mites support the worldwide Aglaze! program. Our ministries include Nutritional You – Eyeballs Aglaze!, feeding the congregation a steady diet of milk until they can’t see straight; Play Nice on the Playground – Craniums Aglaze!, assisting the congregation in burying their heads in the sand so they don’t have to think straight; and Purpose Driven Excavation – Eardrums Aglaze!, removing just enough of the afore-mentioned sand from the congregation’s ears so they can hear the praise band.
Salary and benefits are commensurate with our own experience and will be reviewed at our quarterly congregational bonfires. Should two consecutive reviews fall short of expectations, you will be given the chance to enroll in Loving Arms of District Doctrinal Ecclesiastical Remediation, but St. Ignitus does retain the right to fire you at any time for any reason. Send resume’ and references to:
St. Ignitus
Lutheran Congregations Mangling Scripture
666 Dante Road
Liberal, MO 12345
Aglaze! - sugarcoating the truth, one doctrine at a time
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