Chapter 2 – What’s up, Dock?

The next morning I drove down to the docks. About a quarter mile from the gate, there was something in the ditch. I slowed down. I took a look. It was a sign, spattered with mud. “Ortho Docks” it read. At the gate, a new sign had been hastily hung in its place.

Under New Management
HETERO DOCKS
Shipping – Cruises – Yacht Club

I proceeded with caution. It was a busy place. The cargo ships were offloading goods, so I stopped to check in with the freight master. When I gave him my name, his eyebrows took an express elevator to his hairline. He gave me an odd look, but didn’t say anything. I told him I’d be hanging around.

I passed by the cruise ship LCMS Pinafore. There was the captain on deck, overseeing a group of tourists, all dressed alike, and making their way off the ship. The back of their shirts said, “H-T/P-T”. “There goes trouble,” I thought to myself.

I moved on down the docks to tour the area where the yachts were moored. People give them funny names. A man sunning himself on his Hip O’Crit glanced up from under the brim of his “I’m a Lutheran” hat, and addressed nobody in particular. “This Tappert guy’s a jerk!” I walked on.

The next yacht held the biggest sound system I’d ever seen. The Happy Clapper. Why was I not surprised?

Number three was the Biz Marks II. Looked more like a mini-battle ship to me.

The owner of number four, Ruthie K’s Dreamboat, apparently liked a challenge. In stead of a motor, she was outfitted with albs for sails and stoles for rigging. Now that just wasn’t right!

“Hey, Pastor!”

I was being hailed by the freight master. And carefully observed by the Pinafore’s captain.

Fun in the (shady) Sun

Everyone tries to cram in as much fun as possible during the waning days of summer vacation. The mouse is no exception. Since the oppressive heat seems to be broken (at least for a few days), I plan to spend every day this week sipping my tea and reading my new book outdoors under the shade tree. Oh, come on; you knew it had to be a trilogy, didn’t you?

Chapter 1 – Justin Case

It was a dark and stormy night. I liked it better that way. Just & I had been at Lern & Digest’s place for a couple of days now. I’d been thinking. A lot.

“Brother?” Just interrupted my thoughts. “Could you do me a favor?” I said I would.

“About a week before, well, you know, I place this order for Ms. Kirche. It’s not much; a shipment of Good News Magazines, a Gene E. Veith boxed set, a chalice to match her silver service, some furnace filters, and a new fire extinguisher. Oh, and a new alb for me. Guess I won’t need that now, though. Anyway, they’re due in at the dock tomorrow, and I am hoping you can pick them up for me and take them over to the Kirche place. Just drop them off; you don’t even have to talk to anyone if you don’t want to.”

“Sure, I’ll take your case,” I told him. “After all…”

“I’m Luther N. Pastor, Private Eye,” he finished for me with a smile, something I hadn’t seen since my arrival.

Peace, man

I went to a health food store recently and grabbed a box of maple pecan cereal. Sure the brand name was “Peace,” but you get used to that after strolling down a few aisles in a health food store. It is truly one of the tastiest cereals I’ve eaten, but to my surprise, as I sat at the table reading the back of the box and munching away, “Peace” isn’t just a brand. It’s an organization, and ten percent of my purchase now supports Yogi Bhajan. To add insult to injury, the stuff is only 70% organic! Oh, well. Considering the rest of my diet is only about 30% organic, I guess it all comes out in the wash.

Anyway, how can I, as a Confessional Lutheran, keep shoveling the yummiest cereal ever down my throat, knowing I’m also shoveling money into a really big crock of hooey? Practice, practice, practice!

My dollars have supported Thrivent, which in turn supports the ELCA. My dollars have supported LCEF, which in turn supports the Church Growth Movement. My dollars have supported my congregation, which has supported my district, which has supported my synod, which has supported an ecclesiastical supervisor, who has supported “Allah is also the true God.” Which brings us right back to Yogi Bhajan! He also wants to unite people of all faiths to pray for “Peace.” It’s okay to pray, right? And since many LCMS churches’ practice is about 70% Lutheran at best, I guess that all comes out in the wash, too.

Pass the milk, please.

Chapter 7 - (Mo)Surry with the Fringe on Top

… o’er to CURF right up the street;
You’ll find Luth’ran ortho-babes to meet!
When you’re there at Fort Wayne,
You’ll have a Scaer time, a Pless and Resch time,
You’ll have a Gaaaaard oool’ tiiiiiiime!!!

Welcome back to Car Talk, etc. I’m Fr.Ick…

And I’m Fr.Ack. We’ve been talking to our caller, Practicia, who’s been having a bit of Car Talk at her own house lately.

(Fr.Ick) Now, before the break you said it does make a difference if you’re purpose drivin’ down a new road or sticking to the old, historical paths, right?

(Practicia) Yes, that’s right.

(Fr.Ack) Practicia, what you preach is true for the whole family, and we heartily recommend you go ahead and trade your Audi off for a..

(Fr.Ick) For a vintage Augsburg IV!

(Practicia) Oh, most of my family wouldn’t be comfortable doing that, especially Adam.

(Fr.Ick) Ol’ Adam, huh? He’s your not-so-better half? (Fr.Ack laughs)

(Practicia, laughing) Something like that, yes.

(Fr.Ack) Well, there’s a bit of the ol’ Adam in all of us. We all like our comfort levels cranked up high.

(Fr.Ick) And I bet he loves his tunes played loud, and his engines ablaze!

(Practicia) That about sums it up.

(Fr.Ack) Practicia, we still hope your family will come to see the beauty and fine points of the Augsburg from UAC, and….

(Fr.Ick) Hold up there, Fr.Ack. Folks, you know Jerry, our big time supervisor, and we’re getting a signal from him that we need to be out of here.

(Fr.Ack) All righty! Tune in tomorrow when our guest will be Miss Elsie Mess-Chaos. She claims to drive a car that has a steering wheel, accelerator, and brake pedal not only in the traditional driver’s seat position, but also one for each passenger!

(Fr.Ick) Folks, Jerry’s givin’ us “the look,” so it’s time to go! We’ll just leave you with this last little market trend advice: Those that keep their eyes on UAC will have A. marked increase in foreign exchanges, and B. commodities here in the U.S. You’ve been listening to Car Talk, etc., on NPR.

(Fr.Ack) Both Car Talk, etc. and Nixon Pietism Radio are listener-supported, and we thank you for your support. You can visit us at www.ctetc.com....

(Fr.Ick) Forwards or backwards, it’s the same…

(Fr.Ack) Or link to us from the NPR website at www.nix-on-pietism.org. Bye-bye!

I turned off the radio. That Practicia dame was right. There was a difference. And Fr.Ick and Fr.Ack had given her some good advice. I turned my trusty Augsburg IV down the old, historical path to Reed Mark Lern & Ward Lee Digest’s place.

My brother had fallen asleep. He was muttering something. Be Justin…..dependent….Luther N…. Pastor….” Was he dreaming of himself, or me? Things aren’t so clear when the problem hits this close to home.

Even when you’re Luther N. Pastor, Private Eye.

Chapter 6 - That's the Way It Happens

“What am I to do?” came a mocking voice. “You can get outta my way.” I’d know that voice anywhere. I.M. Knott, here to “help” the situation, was standing at the bottom of the steps. He quickly placed a new name on the second mailbox, and left, grinning. We got a good look at it. We looked at each other. We looked across the street. We saw a man - no doubt the “Newly D. Claird, Deacon” we’d read on the box, already walking contentedly, arm in arm, with Uma. Her voice carried across the street. “Uma Stobay. Better than that fellow over there, I’m hoping you to be,” she said, pointing toward us.

I turned to the broken, singed man beside me. He’d avoided that prostituted Mindset dame, but he’d been burned by Knott’s ES-V2004. The wily ol’ false ‘Doc Trin’ had even managed to get his phone removed, so he couldn’t receive any more calls. “Brother, you probably feel like you’ve lost yourself, that you’re not Justin Stauld any more. But remember, you’re still a Pastor. Great-Great-Great Grandpa says so, and he knows what he’s talking about.” I helped him into my car. “Lern and Digest have invited you to stay with them. You get some rest. I’ve got some thinking to do.”

We headed away from the Kirche place. I turned on the radio.

Chapter 5 - A Real Nice Clambake

“Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, this Elsie-Em S. Kirche announces Sharon Lovejoy and Con can get married at her place, and I have to perform the ceremony! Of course, the ol’ Sir Kutt nods approval.” Again he looked straight into my eyes. “You know I couldn’t do that, so I told them all, as gently as possible, that even Grandpa doesn’t approve.” He fell silent, shaking his head.

Suddenly, his anger broke through. Up came his head, and out came, “Well, you’d think I’d ripped a loud one during silent prayer. Pure bedlam breaks out, and next thing I know, they insist that it must be a DOUBLE ceremony! Sharon and her Con man, and some ‘hot item’ from the All Blazin’ Lutherans Approve Evangelism branch named Miss Iona Ree Mindset and me! They force me next door, and Doctor Knott has the nerve to say, ““Welcome! Here to test your Ablaze! vision? Have a seat!” Suddenly, there are shouts and screams flying everywhere while mister ‘Reformed Doc Trin,’ being ever-helpful with his ab-lazer ES-V2004, tries to ‘correct my vision’ – yeah, RIGHT! - set me on fire is more like it, while Reed Mark Lern & Ward Lee Digest are jumping in to offer support and protection for me!”

As suspected, I had smelled Knott’s smoke on them when they came into my office. Then what?” I asked Justin.

“I run out the door and am in hiding until this morning. When I come back here, they take my name off the mailbox, and my hat & bags sit on the front porch. Then you come along. What am I to do, Brother? What am I to do?”

Chapter 4 - The Lonely Goatherd

I nodded and he continued, “As the months go by, I meet more folks, but it’s strange. Ms. Kirche had said the community was well acquainted with B. O. Concord, because after all, he is their Great-Great-Great Grandfather, too. But every time I mention him, the elder Frank Lee Bellows, becomes agitated and aggressive! And every time Lern and Digest faithfully listen or say anything, here come dirty looks from Uma Stobay! She constantly dismisses everything Lern and Digest try to say, and even gets some guy, Arnie Clever, to say that my quoting Grandpa was like an ass braying.”

These words made me wince. I knew there was more. I gave him some time.

“Next thing I know, the Kirche family makes an appointment for me with some British guy, who they say will help me. His office is right next door to Dr. Knott’s, and sure enough, Sir Kutt, Counselor, is waiting to get his hands on me. The whole community packs themselves into his office, and he tells me, ‘Clever, Bellows, and Uma Stobay mean business.’ About dismissing Grandpa and Lern and Digest’s comments? I’m telling you, Brother, the pressure was really on.”

Chapter 3 - Getting to Know You

I let my brother gather his thoughts. After a few minutes he began again, the flicker of a smile on his face. “Sharon Lovejoy merely winks and says, ‘Oh! I also want you to meet my fiancé.’ She waves over a fellow sporting a spiky, pink do. ‘This is Con, Temporary Muse/Ichthyologist,’ she says.”

“‘Lovey, you’re so silly,’ he says and extends his hand. ‘Radley Conrad, actually, old chap. Transfer from the English District, you know. I write fishy songs by day, and I’m a stand-in for the local P.R.A.I.S.E theater group by night. Call me Con; everyone does.’”

“P.R.A.I.S.E.?” I ask.

“'Lovey started the “People Really Adore Insipid Song Experiences” theater group here about five years ago, and I joined after my transfer.' Then he offers me a couple of free tickets, but I tell him I'm more of a didactic kind of guy.

“Brother, I worry about the two of them. Con is nice guy, but doesn’t seem like one who would be able to put much meat on the table for himself and his Lovey. Unfortunately, it’s obvious her heart is “Conned,” and they only have eyes for each other.”

“Anyway, I turn to leave and run smack into a man I didn't know is behind me. I apologize, of course, and introduce myself. All he says is, ‘F.L. Bellows, Jr. is my name. No doubt you’ll be meeting my father soon enough.’ That’s it. No welcome. No how-do-you-do. Nothing. Of course, now, I’m wondering just what kind of situation I’d accepted, but decide to give it my all.” His haunted eyes looked straight into mine. “I know you understand, Brother. We’re Pastors, after all.”

Chapter 2 - There is Nothing Like a Dame

Lern & Digest left me shaken and my office tainted with the smell of sulfur. The object of my new investigation was none other than my own brother, Justin. He’d received a call from one Elsie-Em S. Kirche. It was only about a year ago and, now, he’d gone into hiding.

I drove out to the Kirche place. I couldn’t believe my eyes. There he was sitting on the front step, covered in bandages. He’d been handed his hat alright, and his bags, too. Nearby were two mailboxes, one bearing the name “Kirche,” the other “Justin Stauld Pastor,” too hastily removed, so still visible. “Start talkin’, Brother.” I said. He did, in his peculiar little present-tense manner.

“The first person I meet in this community is a dame, a Sharon Lovejoy. Oh, she is well-intentioned enough. No matter who she sees as we talk, there is Lovejoy, waving hands, smiling, and shouting encouragement to everyone. Personally, I find it a distraction, and it really grates on my nerves. Then she really gets excited, see, and waves over a particular friend of hers. This other dame introduces herself. ‘Uma Stobay. Everything I say about how this community is run…. You can count on it! I know how it is with you newcomers.’” My mouth fell open.

Justin continued, “My reaction, too, Brother, but before I can even begin to absorb that, Uma quickly points out two men talking quietly together. ‘There are two you’re not going to want to get mixed up with. Mr. Reed Mark Lern & Ward Lee Digest. Now, remember… Uma Stobay.’ Her grin is hungry, and she shakes my hand with an iron grip and leaves.” He paused, shuddering with the memory.

Summer Sequel

Man, this summer heat is ridiculous! It’s too hot to do anything but sit in front of the fan with a tall glass of iced tea and a book. Fortunately, I heard that the book I’d read has a sequel. I went back to the library, so now it’s just me, my fan, my tea, and book two!

Chapter 1

It was a bright and sunny morning. That in itself was odd. Two men came through my office door. Oddity number two. They brought a peculiar smell into the room with them, but there the oddities ended. I recognized that smell.

They introduced themselves. “I’m Reed Mark Lern”, said the first.

“& Ward Lee Digest, here,” said the second, as they shook my hand.

“You gents lawyers?” I asked.

“No,” said Lern, “but you could say we’re on a journey of Law.”

“And good news, too,” added Digest.

“Well, what can I do for you?” As their tale unfolded, it was as if Onaleah Laymen had walked back through my door all over again.

“Two days ago….Dr. Knott…..his ES-V2004 on overload….” Then they said something that shocked me to the core. I had to take the case.

I’m Luther N. Pastor, Private Eye.

Scene VI

The curtain opens once again on the church basement. No pot-luck in progress this time, the returning Confessional pastor has called a congregational meeting to report the proceedings of the Pinafore convention. He and the elders are sitting at a table, facing the congregation. Cue music -

(Man 1) I hear that we might split up.

(Woman 1) Fear that we should break up.

(Man 2) And I can surely see why.

(Woman 2) When by-laws are oft brought up to act as cover up…

(Congregation) How can it not blow up high!?

(Elders) We’ve got praise bands, Ablaze! fanned a-plenty,
And kids’ sermons by girl DCE’s….
Nobody can spare time for doctrine,
They’re too busy with their ministries!

(Pastor) But, though synod’s all fouled up,
‘07’s coming up.
Let’s stick around, wait, and see.
If overtures they shut up
As votes are counted up,

(All) Then, we will pack up and flee!

Final curtain.

Scene V

The curtain opens on a hallway just outside the convention floor. The Pinafore District president, with the synodical president next to him, loudly addresses a group of Delegates-Ablaze!. Nearby, a small contingency of face-scowling, throat-growling, Confessional delegates, their arms firmly crossed, also wait to go in. Cue music -

(DP) I am the captain of the Pinafore
And a right good arson, too.
I’m very, very shrewd and be it understood,
I will purge my “divisive” crew.

(Confessionals, among themselves) He may be very shrewd, but be it understood, we’ll resist ‘til we’re black and blue.

(DP) I’ll grow the church and set ablaze the brush and the prairie,
So polish up the screen to a nice and shiny sheen,
And really push contemp’rary.

(Conf 1, calling over): Push often? (DP answers) Yes, often!

(Conf 2, calling over) How often? (DP answers, pointing at them) VERY often!!

(Confessionals, loudly) We will not push contemp’rary…. So give three jeers and one jeer more for the pushy captain of the Pinafore! So give three jeers and one jeer more for …….the captain of the Pinafore.

(DP, now addressing Confessionals) I am the captain of the Pinafore
And I pack a flame-thrower, too.
You’d better get aboard, with praise band and keyboard,
Or the plank you will walk on cue.

(Confessionals) We will not get aboard, with praise band or keyboard, and we’re wearing swimming trunks, so pooh!

(DP, his anger errupting, pointing) You’ll keep the sheep excited, reassured; teach them to see
That their ministry is sound if on purpose-driven ground;
And don’t explicate the Book of C!

(Conf 3) What? Never?? (DP) No, never!
(Conf 4) Not ever? (DP spoken) Well, (sung) Hardly ever. (heaves a sigh)

(Confessionals, as they exit hallway to the convention floor) We will explicate that Book of C…. So give three jeers and one jeer more for the expletive captain of the Pinafore! So give three jeers and one jeer more for …….the captain of the Pinafore.

Curtain.

Scene IV

The curtain opens one more time on the Village Inn meeting room, early the next morning (Village Inn LOVES convention season!). A deacon is addressing a hand-picked group of lay delegates at a prayer breakfast. Cue music -

(Deacon) When I was a lad I served a term
As a church trustee after I’d been confirmed.
I cleaned the windows, and I swept the floor,
And I polished up the handle of the big front door.

(Men) He polished up the handle of the big front door.

(Deacon) I polished up that handle so carefully, that now I am a Deacon in ol’ Missouri.

(Men) He polished up that handle so carefully, that now he is a Deacon in ol’ Missouri!

(Deacon) As church trustee I made such a mark
They elected me the striker of the spark.
I struck the sparks with a smile so bright,
And I fanned the flames with gusto, made events ignite!

(Men) He fanned the flames with gusto, made events ignite!

(Deacon) I fanned the flames with gusto with a hand so free, that now I am a Deacon in ol’ Missouri.

(Men) He fanned the flames with gusto with a hand so free, that now he is a Deacon in ol’ Missouri!

(Deacon) In striking sparks I made such a name,
That my congregation’s elder I became.
I voted for the screen and the songs ‘bout me,
And I made sure that the pastor stayed contemp’rary.

(Men) He made sure that the pastor stayed contemp’rary.

(Deacon) And that pastor stayed so contemp’rary, that now I am a Deacon in ‘ol Missouri.

(Men) And that pastor stayed so contemp’rary, that now he is a Deacon in ‘ol Missouri!

(Deacon) “Why stop at elder,” I was advised;
“To teach and preach you can be authorized;
And Sacraments you can at ease dispense,
And it doesn’t really matter if it gives offense.”

(Men) It really doesn’t matter if it gives offense?

Deacon) ‘Twas passed in ’89, conventionally, so now I am a Deacon in ‘ol Missouri.

(Men) ‘Twas passed in ’89, conventionally, so now he is a Deacon in ‘ol Missouri!

(Deacon) Now, laymen all, whoever you may be,
Why take four years to learn theology?
Just take ten classes and you’ll know enough;
You can take over the pastor’s Sunday morning stuff.

(Men) We’ll take over the pastor’s Sunday morning stuff?

(Deacon) You’ll consecrate, preach and teach with glee; yes, you can be a deacon in ol’ Missouri!

(Men) We’ll consecrate, preach and teach with glee; and we will all be deacons in ol’ Missouri!

Curtain

Scene III

The curtain opens on that same Village Inn meeting room, later that evening. Confessional pastors are meeting for Scripture and Doctrinal study, as well as mutual support and encouragement before tomorrow’s convention begins. Cue music -

(Pastor 1) A quia Luth’ran has a soaring soul, as free as a mountain bird;

(Pastor 2) His energetic yell should be ready to repel a false doctrinal word.

(Pastors 1 & 2) His nose should pant and his lip should curl, His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl, His bosom should heave and his heart should glow, And his voice be ever ready ‘gainst Confession’s foe!

(All pastors Chorus) His nose should pant and his lip should curl, His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl, His bosom should heave and his heart should glow, And his voice be ever ready ‘gainst Confession’s foe!

(Pastor 4) His eyes should flash with an inborn ire, his brow with scorn be wrung;

(Pastor 5) He never should give ground to Reformed, alluring sound or tang of Pentecostal tongue.

(Pastors 4 & 5) His foot should stamp, and his throat should growl, His hair should twirl, and his face should scowl; His eyes should flash, and his breast protrude, And this should be his customary attitude.

(All pastors Chorus) His foot should stamp, and his throat should growl, His hair should twirl, and his face should scowl; His eyes should flash, and his breast protrude, And this should be his customary attitude!

Curtain.

Scene II

The Confessional pastor enters stage left, "driving" his way across the stage in front of the closed curtain. When he is about half way across, the curtain opens on a meeting room of the Village Inn located across the street from the district’s headquarters. It is filled with ladies clad in purple t-shirts, listening excitedly to one purple-clad woman making an announcement.

(p-c woman) And now without further ado, I give you our synodical president, here to address us before tomorrow's LCMS Pinafore District Convention opening day festivities!

Women applaud as SP takes the stand. Cue music -

(SP) I am the monarch of the See;
I supervise ecclesiastically,
And push the limits that the doctrine plants.

(p-c woman, jumping to her feet) And so will his sisters and his cousins and his aunts,

(All p-c ladies, jumping to their feet) His sisters and his cousins, who he recons by the dozens, his sisters and his cousins, who he recons by the dozens, and his aunts. (All ladies sit back down, as nodding, smiling DP motions them to do so)

(SP) Creation’s order’s obsolete
But transition must be discrete;
I’ll quietly work so women’s roles advance.

(p-c woman and all ladies repeat chorus, same actions)

(SP) I will allow all my DP’s
(though there may be some casualties)
To just slip in some liturgical dance.

(p-c woman and all ladies repeat chorus, same actions.)

(SP) And if the four winds blow,
I’ll casually go below
And seek the refuge that a by-law grants.

(p-c woman, jumping to her feet) And so will his sisters and his cousins and his aunts,

(all p-c ladies, jumping to their feet) His sisters and his cousins, who he recons by the dozens,

(all p-c ladies and DP) His sisters and his cousins, who he recons by the dozens, and his aunts! (DP, smiling broadly, comes from behind stand and embraces as many p-c ladies as he can reach)

Curtain.

The LCMS Pinafore - Scene I

The curtain opens on a large church basement where the men, women, and children of a Confessional flock are enjoying the remains of a pot-luck dinner, their pastor having just left for the Pinafore District convention. Cue music -

(man 1) Oh, the synod wants full pews, but our numbers sure are shrinking.

(woman 1) Could it be their words confuse and encourage wrong-way thinking…
…By sheep who squeal for needs they feel, and pastors who promise them bliss.

(man 1) Those men-of-the-cloth make them spiritually sloth by failing their full catechesis.


(woman 2) Oh, the synod wants full pews, but our numbers sure are shrinking.

(man 2) Could it be that folks refuse to give off’rings without thinking…
…To our DP’s whose staff nominees demand congregations’ dollars?

(woman 2) They should realize we object to their size, so we won’t give two hoots or a holler.


(children) Oh, the synod wants full pews, but our numbers sure are shrinking.
Could it be their words confuse doctrine with the culture’s thinking?

(boys) They stand there and croon some ol' 60’s tune and tell each other, “Kids like it!”

(girls) The more modern stuff’s even more full of fluff, so give us Sei du mir gegrüsset!


(All) They wonder why we’re shrinking?!
Yet insist on glory-thinking!
The Cross renews, and God will choose who fills the pews!!

Curtain.

Oh, my!!!

I am truly honored; thank you so much for the Aardie!

To celebrate, I’m taking you all to the opera tonight, so brush up your Gilbert and Sullivan tunes and get ready to sing along as we sail away on a summer’s day, peeking in on the various goings-on in the district of …

The LCMS Pinafore

Chapter 7 - The End?

As promised, I met with Onaleah after church on Sunday. She wasn’t alone. She’d brought the entire Laymen clan to hear what I had to say. I swallowed hard and spilled the whole sordid story.

Many of the Justmore MoSyn-Politics branch sat there clueless or in denial. One of the All Blazin’ Lutherans Approve Zippy Evangelism branch, patients of Doctor Knott, pointedly suggested I should get my eyes examined so I could more appreciate the beauty of Miss Iona Ree Mindset. This wasn’t good. This branch was the one currently in power. I knew if they forced me into Doctor Knott’s examination chair and offered me a shot-gun wedding, I’d have to make a run for it. At least I knew the Confessional Mosyn branch, for whom what I’d said only confirmed their fears, would follow me.

What could I do? Well, keep Great-Great-Great Grandpa B.O.Concord out of the nursing home, for one. I had to keep preaching, keep teaching, keep administering the Sacraments, and keep my bags packed and my running shoes on.

After all, I’m Luther N. Pastor, Private Eye.

Chapter 6 – Sad, but True

Maybe it was the look on my face, or maybe he just realized he’d said too much. Either way, he quickly changed the subject. “Say, you got kids in the YFL? I just got in a shipment of Ablaze! tongue studs. They’re a great witnessing tool, and the kids’ll feel just like one of the Apostles on Pentecost!

I’d heard all I could stomach and made for the door. “If you’re worried about your checkbook, we also accept vouchers from your congregation, credit cards….” I didn’t hear the rest; I was already far down the street.

Poor Miss Oura Synod…. Bamboozled again. And Knott was wrong. Great-Great-Great Grandpa wasn’t dead and he hadn’t lost a thing! Others were hiding his stuff so he’d appear to be nothing but a really mean old man ready for the Alzheimer’s wing. What could I do? What could I do?

Chapter 5 – “Doctor” My Eye!

Since I had to meet Onaleah Laymen on Sunday, I decided I needed to pay a little visit to Doctor Knott and see how things had progressed. He was now a prominent, big-city optimitrist with a thriving practice. I entered the office. He was on the phone. His back was toward me.

Listen, Oura, get over yourself! Ol’ Grandpa’s losing it. He’s practically dead, and you’re not his little girl anymore!”

I caught his eye.

“Gotta go. Customer.” He hung up the phone. He adjusted his smile. He turned toward me.

“Welcome! Here to test your Ablaze! vision? Have a seat!” cried the doctor.

“Um, no, I just wanted to ask you how you thought your son, Fred, was getting along.” Being a loquacious man, he took the bait.

“You mean Ignitus Morris? Hey, did I name that kid right, or what?! Why I even gave him one of my ab-laser “Ecclesiastical Super-Vision 2004” treatments for free! Of course, the Corporation is working on a more powerful version, the ES-V 2007. Heh! I’ll make sure of ol’ Will-B getting one of those for sure!” Lowering his voice, he added, “Heh, heh, and I’m trying to convince ol’ Miss Oura of adding a girl to follow in her brother Will’s footste…”